tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2754607754754189862024-03-05T07:01:34.214+00:00Rabid About Beer"King of Snark" - Sid Boggle.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger486125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-275460775475418986.post-43942768528109273322020-05-04T14:52:00.003+01:002020-05-04T14:54:19.332+01:00The Lockdown Chronicles #4Hundreds of destitute landlords across the uk are calling for the government to not have a #NationalTimeOut on rents for the hospitality industry as they desperately need the money, for like investments and stuff.<br />
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With pubs bars and restaurants closed and most breweries only doing very limited capacity during lockdown landlords are still charging full rents on many businesses as they look to profit as much as possible during these trying times.<br />
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The rationale that these poor landlords are using is that if people can afford to stock up on loo roll, face masks and rubber gloves then surely these craft beer businesses make more than enough money to pay their rents; after all their customers are drinking more than ever before, so what if they're at home instead of in the pub!<br />
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The craft beer industry replied with a collective "SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY!" as it went down the shitter leaving thousands unemployed and the beer industry back in the glorious 1970s.<br />
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<i>Now obviously this is just badly written satire but there is a serious issue here; the majority of the hospitality industry is still being charged rent which is in turn putting jobs and livelihoods in jeopardy, this includes clients of mine, favourite pubs, breweries and restaurants of yours so please <span style="color: yellow;"><a href="https://www.change.org/p/rishi-sunak-chancellor-of-the-exchequer-urgent-government-support-for-the-hospitality-industry?recruiter=false&utm_source=share_petition&utm_medium=facebook&utm_campaign=psf_combo_share_initial&utm_term=psf_combo_share_initial&recruited_by_id=f0831210-8859-11ea-a928-a33f77857b34"><span style="color: yellow;">click on this link</span></a> </span>and support the #NationalTimeOut initiative.</i></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-275460775475418986.post-39583949861709604282020-04-21T17:50:00.000+01:002020-04-21T17:51:05.339+01:00The Lockdown Chronicles #3 After a little over a month of being <strike>incarcerated</strike> locked down in his own home, our favourite beer idiot, Rancidbarfly has been living up to his name.<br />
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With his sleep patterns all over the place things came to a head at 3am this morning when, whilst wide awake he managed to sit through almost three whole episodes of Brews Brothers on Netflix.<br />
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With used beer cans strewn around his front room and wearing pyjamas that were trying to walk into the washing machine on their own, our hero had gotten to the utterly bored point of not being able to decide what to watch any more as he had completed all the porn on the internet and the Disney channel and had finally found himself at a loss.<br />
Having heard some colourful reports from some well rounded members of the beer crafteratti he opened up Netflix with some trepidation and found Brews Brothers, ironically tucked away in comedies.<br />
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With the premiss being two antagonists run a brewery with all manner of illegal, slapstick shit happening from day to day the program is based in a craft brewery, tucked away in a shitty neighbourhood of LA and not doing very well.<br />
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Rancid finally had enough at almost 5.30am having watched "inverted commas" nearly three episodes. The only thing he could remember was 1) piss in beer, 2) food-truck sex and 3) underage brewery manager. Other than that Rancid's brain appeared to not take any of this nonsense in a fit of pique he tidied up the front room, put the recycling out, showered and once dressed looked for actual work to do.<br />
Remembering though that the UK is still in lockdown and his work had completely dried up, his brain had the idea of at least finishing the series of Brews Brothers. Rancidbarfly then did something he never usually did, he took the more sensible option which at 5.47am precisely, happened to be trying to Facetime the speaking clock.<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0London, UK51.5073509 -0.127758351.1912379 -0.7732053 51.8234639 0.5176887tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-275460775475418986.post-66072534224255211622020-04-06T11:24:00.002+01:002020-04-07T14:27:11.102+01:00The Lockdown Chronicles #2<b><i>Let's try "Dry Covid" - Lockdown is the time to kick our nations alcohol habit for good!<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b>A lazy picture of shitty mass-produced beer.</b></td></tr>
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<a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/voices/coronavirus-lockdown-off-licence-alcohol-alcoholism-a9440011.html"><span style="color: white;">Writing an opinion piece in The Independent</span></a>, which had a lazy picture with shitty mass-produced beers in it, Ian McDonald suggested that alcohol was a luxury and everyone apart from alcoholics should give it up during the Coronavirus lockdown.<br />
His argument that off-licenses should not be classed as essential services really got the British people rallying together in a way that <i>not even</i> a Tory government can!<br />
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Of course the beer Twitter community were completely on board with this and comments started flooding in, as soon as the article was published online.<br />
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Our very own Rancidbarfly led the praise with comments like "<b><i>Get fucked, and when you're done getting fucked, go get fucked some more</i></b>".<br />
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Chairman of the Secret Guild of Beer Writers, Pete Brown replied to the article with "<b><i>let's not and pretend we did</i></b>" which seems entirely too reasonable.<br />
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Our personal favourite though, was a headline from the Drinks Business "<i><b>Supermarket sees booze sales rise 22% following on-trade closures</b></i>" nailed it lads!<br />
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Even regular-hateful non-beer-Twitter got involved with comments like "<i><b>Get in the Sea</b></i>" or "<b><i>If you think I'm stuck indoors, homeschooling my kids whilst sober, think again</i></b>".<br />
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Never before has one man been so hated in one day and that's really saying a lot with Piers Morgan and Donald Trump also both still drawing breath. It's almost as if this British "journalist" has never met any other British people before, you want to get out more son, go mingle.<br />
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<b>A message from our idiot overseer...</b><br />
In other news the whole world is staying indoors now, it's "on trend" or something wanky like that so do the world a fucking favour and join in.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-275460775475418986.post-54912315801926454942020-03-23T08:53:00.000+00:002020-04-07T14:26:42.758+01:00The Lockdown Chronicles #1First came the plague. Then the government made a suggestion that people stop congregating in public areas, which naturally people ignored because fuck it, if they didn't feel ill then dammit if others did.<br />
When the plague didn't miraculously end with these forthright measures laid out by a man with silly hair wearing a clown suit, said man then<b><i> insisted</i></b> that people stop going out to public spaces "oh well if you <b><i>insist</i></b>...." said the masses as they went about their business.<br />
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Soon the supermarkets had been ransacked and people were shouting at each other to stay the fuck <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Unbelievably the masses forgot to buy Gin.</td></tr>
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indoors and lockdown life was basically the same as normal life; the only difference being people use to have no money because they spent it all on beer and cocaine now they have no money because they spent it all on bog roll and penne.<br />
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Idiot beer blagger, Rancidbarfly for once is seeing the positive side of life through the rose tinted specs of self-isolation.<br />
Talking on Twatter earlier today, our hero told of the mercy of not having to actually leave the house any more "I'm really relieved actually, what many people don't realise is that I'm not really a people person" he said sincerely.<br />
When asked if he would miss going into pubs now that they'd been closed he replied "I'll miss telling the wife that I've nearly finished my pint, that was kind of funny, we always laughed when I came home three hours later having pissed myself in the pub, well I did, at least".<br />
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Commenting on the panic-buying in supermarkets "I mean I can see why people are buying shed loads of bog roll, they're about to start eating their own cooking again instead of getting ObeseEats deliveries every night. I'll be ok though, I'm about to start wiping my arse on the neighbours cat".Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-275460775475418986.post-55041272487195389752018-06-21T15:29:00.000+01:002018-06-22T06:40:48.732+01:00Twitter Outraged Again.Twitter has once again confirmed it's the one and only place to vent your vitriolic hate of success again as news that the crafty beer worlds worst kept secret has finally been confirmed today. Popular crafty brewer, Beavertown has sold a minority stake to not-so-crafty or popular mega brewery, Heineken; sparking outrage aimed at the brewery online.<br />
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You literally<i> </i>couldn't move for metaphorical pitchforks on Twitter this morning as founding beaver,(<b>FB</b>) Logan Plant announced through the new corporate looking Beavertown website that his company had received £40m worth of investment from Heineken for an undisclosed minority stake so that Beavertown could develop <i style="font-weight: bold;">BEAVERWORLD, </i>which is either a brewery experience you won't forget in a hurry or the worlds worst strip joint.</div>
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Twitter being Twitter took it as only Twitter could, badly and with the hatred we have all come to know and expect. After all <b>FB</b> had not only sold a stake in his company but had seemingly driven it through the heart of every single crafty beer geek in the world leaving them in some form of vampiric pile of ashes.</div>
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Some of the more respectful language being aimed at the brewery was one user saying "Fuck You, Beavertown" and using the hashtag #sellouts. I'd like to publish more comments but this is a fucking family orientated blog and we can't publish that sort of shit here.</div>
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Some of the other fall-out to the news has been independent beer shops pulling their Beavertown stock because they're afraid it might taste of Heineken; and breweries pulling out of the annual Beavertown Extravaganza citing absolutely no reasons whatsoever.</div>
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The only real shock to this whole affair is the fact that Brewdog took so long to condemn the news and do all the expected Brewdoggy things like take beers off their bar and pull out of BeaverX. </div>
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The only thing left to do now is leave you, fearless reader, with a gratuitous beaver shot.<br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-275460775475418986.post-680745070727299902018-04-22T14:11:00.000+01:002018-04-22T14:11:01.914+01:00Beer Blagger Overdoes it Watching the London MarathonA beer blagger today had to go and have a lie down after becoming exhausted from watching lots of <table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Rancidbarfly rehydrates after a taxing<br />session watching the London Marathon.</td></tr>
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awesome folks running the London Marathon.<div>
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Idiot beer blagger, Rancidbarfly was taking time out from being generally shit at life to watch thousands of people raise money for charities and be all generally awesome and inspiring but he only managed to get wheezy and sweaty just from watching the event on television.</div>
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"Things came to a head around 23 miles into it and I started feeling dizzy and had to go and have a lie down for a few minutes" he said sweating profusely and taking a drag from his Ventolin inhaler.</div>
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With nearly record temperatures outside and a lounge window that gets the sun all day, our hero decided to get the full London Marathon effect by turning up all the heating in his flat too. "If this didn't help me lose my beer belly I don't know what will!" he exclaimed profoundly.</div>
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Luckily for Rancidbarfly he had a fridge full of crafty beers with which to rehydrate and he was back in the race after a quick power nap!</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-275460775475418986.post-58559918582966898722018-04-18T14:07:00.001+01:002018-04-18T14:07:41.207+01:00Fireball in Sky Causes Surge in Staff SicknessA natural occurrence today caused an outbreak of heatstroke in bartenders everywhere. The <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Staff at the Snake in the Craft attempt self medication during heatwave</td></tr>
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phenomenon known only as 'the sun' is a well known cause of sick days everywhere and this year it seems bartenders have been particularly badly affected.<br />
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Sitting in his local crafty beer dive, The Snake in the Craft, beer blagger Rancidbarfly noted that it was taking an inordinately long time to get served due to the utter lack of staff behind the bar.<br />
Whilst waiting for the lone bar tender to get round to him he noticed one member of staff actually waiting to be served.<br />
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"When I asked whether or not the member of staff should be serving instead of drinking I was told 'I'm taking a sick day, innit. I've got heatstroke' and it seemed completely plausible to me due to the temperature rocketing to a yearly high of 23 degrees outside". He continued "I felt so sorry for the poor lad that I even bought him the lager shandy he was waiting for and told him to get well soon and stay hydrated by drinking lots of fluids".<br />
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With the heatwave expected to last all week pubs and bars are bracing themselves for more staff shortages and have started calling in agency staff in an attempt to get customers served more quickly but customers will have to bear the brunt with prices expected to go up even further to help pay for them. On the plus side nobody is dying of radiation poisoning brought on by the nuclear fallout from Donald Trump's latest tweets; yet.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-275460775475418986.post-92186378874597391312018-04-05T07:03:00.004+01:002018-04-05T07:03:43.057+01:00Thoughts And Prayers Enough To Clean LinesStaff at crafty beer emporium The Snake in the Craft have been told by their head office staff to clean <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A typical crafty beer</td></tr>
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their beer lines by offering thoughts and prayers.<br />
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In a desperately corporate bid to save money the beancounters at the Snake in the Craft head office argued that because most crafty brews are cloudy as fuck no-one would notice if the beer was shit or not.</div>
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One member of head office, who refused to be named so we called him Bob the Beancounter was quoted as saying "with the rise of cloudy craft beers we believe that thoughts and prayers are a much more effective way of cleaning the lines whilst also being a great way to save money that could be spent better elsewhere in the business, like beer mats or novelty hats"<br />
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When asked about the potential for yeast build up and therefore fobbing and beer wastage Bob the Beancounter shook his head wisely and just answered "who doesn't like a head on their beer?" All these Instagramers and their <i>IceMan pours</i> are so out of touch with what's really going on in the beer world! Customers just don't want value for money anymore"<br />
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Bob the Beancounter went on to predict that not only was this form of line cleaning going to be the next big thing in the crafty beer world but that it could also revolutionise other vital areas of the business such as staff training, kitchen management and paying suppliers.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-275460775475418986.post-6744197283743453012018-03-26T15:39:00.001+01:002018-03-26T15:39:13.254+01:00BrewDog "Join Forces" With Draft HouseTeeny tiny micro brewery BrewDog today surprised the beer industry by "joining forces" with well known craft beer pub chain, Draft House.<br />
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In a move that isn't at all like one of the macro-breweries taking over a micro brewery, today sees Draft House owner Charlie McVeigh hand over the reigns to David McDowell, the MD of BrewDog bars.<br />
<br />
McDowell praised McVeigh in the press release circulated from the BrewDog website this morning saying "Charlie has done an absolutely amazing job building the business to this size, we had to break open all our ceramic piggy banks to be able to afford his brand" McDowell continued "Effectively though we are creating one killer team, ruining an awesome collection of craft beer bars!"<br />
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Reactions have been mixed to this news today with some people asking whether or not BrewDog will take out the cask beer taps in favour of more evil keg lines whilst others have asked excitedly, in true craft beer fashion, whether or not they will be able to use their <strike>'Spoons</strike> Equity For Punks vouchers in the Draft Houses now.<br />
<br />
Some people are even more cynical saying that BrewDog have only brought the Draft House chain so that they can get rid of the final million pints of Out Of Date Punk IPA they've been trying to force on people for god knows how long!<br />
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Time will tell we suppose.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-275460775475418986.post-64845928492157823592018-03-21T10:11:00.002+00:002018-03-21T10:11:51.760+00:00Beer Blagger Upsets Other Beer BlaggersCrafty beer blagger, Rancidbarfly apparently upset a junket full of other beer blaggers two days ago when he <strike>wrote about</strike> ATTACKED a beer vlogger for posting an inappropriately worded image that said vlogger had put up on his Instagram and Facebook accounts.<br />
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Apparently the junkets-worth of beer blaggers took offence to Rancid's comments on his poorly executed beer blog and have slammed Rancidbarfly for bullying the poor little vlogger.<br />
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That showed him. Rancidbarfly will now be banished to the naughty corner and pout like a five-year-old and remember who and what he is, a half-welsh, uneducated nobody and he better not forget it!<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-275460775475418986.post-19161055623643697712018-03-19T19:38:00.002+00:002018-03-19T19:38:51.548+00:00Idiot Vlogger Proves He Is In Fact An IdiotA man known for having a beer YouTube channel and being a bit of an idiot has confirmed <br />
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today that he is indeed an idiot.<br />
<br />
YouTube beer lothario, Simon Evans of the Real Ale Guide posted a photo of his latest beer conquest on his Instagram and Facebook platforms, the former of which has been deleted, probably due to the furore it caused on social media hate-site, Twitter.<br />
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Mr Evans managed to take a photo of a beer with no sexist branding whatsoever that would have enraged no-one, called Mr Owl APA by Ctretze Pirineus, a microbrewery in Spain and he somehow managed to add the words WOMAN'S PUSSY BEER onto the photo adding the brewer said it had been inspired by the meaning / shape of a woman's pussy.<br />
We have so many questions but not enough words to put them into about that particular statement.<br />
<br />
The whole of 2018 replied by saying "FFS will you just stop with the sexist bullshit already!?".<br />
<br />
Mr Evans from Barry in Wales is expected to justify himself by saying that 1958 had not yet arrived in Barry let alone 2018, but as yet he has failed to make any comment. Probably because he's busy hiding his eyes from the comments on Twitter that could have been completely avoided had he not been such an idiot.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-275460775475418986.post-63439285793272704942018-03-17T11:18:00.000+00:002018-03-17T11:18:13.965+00:00Diageo To "Partner" With St Patricks DayDrinks giant Diageo has struck a deal to partner with St Patricks Day for ever or at least until such <br />
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time as crafty beer becomes Irish.<br />
<br />
In a bold move designed to make all their money through Guinness in just one day during the year, Diageo have bought St Patricks Day and will force all pub goers to celebrate all things Irish by making them wear stupid hats, pretending their grandparents were Irish and making them speak in ridiculously racist falsetto faux-Irish accents whilst being force-fed Guinness for one day of the year.<br />
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St Patricks Day commented "This "partnership" is a wonderful moment for all of us who have worked so hard to get St Patricks Day to where it is today" they continued "Diageo is the perfect fit for us because they believe in getting everyone absolutely shit-faced and making as much money as possible"<br />
<br />
A Diageo representative was quoted as saying "We're delighted to welcome St Patricks Day into our growing portfolio and we're looking forward to colouring Guinness green for many years to come"<br />
<br />
Some people were less optimistic though "Sooner or later Diageo will realise that Ireland has proper crafty breweries and they'll start buying them, then we'll have to start forking out a mortgage to get shit-faced on Paddy's Day"<br />
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One former critic of St Patricks Day has applauded this move whilst wearing his free, ridiculous looking hat; drunken halfwit, Rancidbarfly was heard to say "Honestly, who doesn't like Guinness? It's flavourless, odourless, characterless, inoffensive to everyone and I love the way they make it green on St Patricks day!"Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-275460775475418986.post-49868746373166626312018-03-13T15:46:00.001+00:002018-03-13T15:48:17.217+00:00Old Ugly Bastards Just Not Patient Enough Say Hot Young Bar StaffMiddle aged men who are reportedly becoming more and more impatient at the bar according to <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"How'd you get served so quick?"<br />
"I told the kid behind the bar i could see a bright white light"</td></tr>
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pretty young bar staff who have only been trained to serve them if they absolutely must.<br />
<br />
According to strict new rules of serving craft beer, Men over the age of 40 must be served in turn (<b><i>last</i></b>) even if they have been (<b><i>luckily</i></b>) acknowledged by the pretty young staff behind the bar and they must be patient whilst doing so.<br />
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Middle-aged beer blagger, Rancidbarfly was forced to make himself really uncomfortable at this local crafty beer dive, <i>The Snake in the Craft</i>, by holding up a £20 note in order to get served because even though bar staff had told him "With you in a minute, Buddy" 20 minutes ago he had started to get impatient.<br />
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"Hey, it's not me who makes the rules" said 21 year old barman, Tree Sap holding up his arms defensively, "these old boys need to learn that getting served in turn is a pretty persons game, nowadays, it's got nothing to do with how long you've been stood there!" he continued incredulously.<br />
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"I used to think of myself as mildly good looking in my youth" said a disgruntled Rancid "I must have been literally fooling myself into thinking i was worthy of service somewhere like this" Rancid sobbed before blowing his nose into his as yet, unused £20 note. "I'd better just leave and stop making the place look untidy"<br />
"It's alright mate, i'll get to you eventually, we just need to make you super grateful to be drinking amongst the super hot, i've got a couple of convo's on the go and a few dozen snapchats to send but i'll get to you eventually" Tree Sap said without any hint of remorse. "Now who's next?" he shouted at an empty bar.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-275460775475418986.post-44696686659181614982018-03-10T08:42:00.000+00:002018-03-10T08:42:12.686+00:00Outrage As Child Labour Soars At Irish Brewery<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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The craft beer world once again was forced to express it's outrage yesterday. This time at nano Irish brewery, Hopfully Brewing apparently employing a bunch of children to market their beers.<br />
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Hopfully Brewing's Lovemaker Pale Ale was the source of the outrage as apparently children are being taught incorrectly about the birds and the bees in Ireland; in this case a mouse in a t-shirt stuck between what we've been informed is a pair of breasts but we're really not sure because we've never seen breasts shaped like that before.<br />
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There were so many outraged questions towards the brewery on hate-fuelled social media platform, Twitter yesterday, which were roundly ignored by the brewery.<br />
<br />
One tweeter asked most of the questions we wanted to ask "Why do her boobs go like that? Why's he still wearing his shirt? Why are there mice? Why are they employing children to draw their artwork?"<br />
Well, in light of the brewery not responding to these questions we've responded for them; it is of course due to a lack of sex education and a soaring number of unemployed children needing to find jobs as quickly as possible because, well, Brexit.<br />
<br />
As a general boycott of this brewery will likely happen on the UK mainland where this brewery's beer isn't widely available another tweeter said "I like knowing that breweries don't want to take our money. It's an interesting business model for sure" We agree, it gives us the warm and fuzzies knowing they're trying to save us money by making sure we'll never buy the beer and at the same time employing needy children.<br />
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We can't wait to see twitter's face when it figures out it's a bit fucking derogatory too.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-275460775475418986.post-1807647288940419592018-03-07T17:36:00.000+00:002018-03-07T17:37:13.132+00:00Bar Staff At Your Local Actually Not Your Mate After All<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhh6FVGPW745658MoWQct37YBYoQsoD6W_Zj5-ro0iWidgwYjf7kmaJze6w4_flEPsc9JoxL6Gh-e-JL9eA4WVluMCseQBVXPgyk_tigUdHL1VMaAnHROhdILVK9wdG59Td4Xo4390OcWFH/s1600/shit+staff.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; display: inline !important; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="280" data-original-width="336" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhh6FVGPW745658MoWQct37YBYoQsoD6W_Zj5-ro0iWidgwYjf7kmaJze6w4_flEPsc9JoxL6Gh-e-JL9eA4WVluMCseQBVXPgyk_tigUdHL1VMaAnHROhdILVK9wdG59Td4Xo4390OcWFH/s320/shit+staff.jpg" width="320" /></a>Bar staff at your local crafty beer emporium who have been talking to you as if you were their best<br />
mate all afternoon whilst you drink inappropriately priced crafty brews aren't really your mate at all and are actually found to slag off customers an ex-staff in earshot of paying customers!<br />
<br />
Sitting in his local divey craft beer hole, wayward beer blagger Rancidbarfly was found to be having a beer and actually listening to the bar staff who were loudly slagging off ex-colleagues and paying members of the public to their mates behind the bar.<br />
<br />
Rather than waste their quiet afternoon behind the bar with menial tasks like cleaning and making it look like a place that mortals want to drink in, the staff of the <i>Snake in the Craft</i> were far more productive and instead spent their afternoon mouthing off about old colleagues and customers.<br />
"That dude Theobold who used to work here, you remember him?" Max asked<br />
"How could i forget, he had a real personal space issue" replied Poppy<br />
"Yeah i think he was on the spectrum" Max replied<br />
"He was on something!" August shouted, cue laughter from all.<br />
"Shit, what about that dude who used to drink in here, what was his name? Big guy used get pissed and buy us all drinks when he was in...?" Poppy snarked with a side-eye to Max<br />
"I just called him the halfwit; to his face though, it was all just jokes" Max responded loudly<br />
"I haven't seen him in ages" Poppy said not noticing the young couple who'd been listening leave.<br />
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We asked our beer sodden hero, Rancidbarfly why he drank in here since the staff were such blatant assholes "Why wouldn't I? the beer's nicely overpriced, the staff are totally apathetic about service standards & the toilets are a total shit show, perfect place to drink and look cool at the same time!" We went in search of our own shitty crafty beer dive bar!<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-275460775475418986.post-85463260661211836532018-03-03T15:10:00.001+00:002018-03-04T11:13:23.654+00:00Bring Your Brat To Work Day Ends In Glitter BeerA brewer that thought bringing your kid to work on "snow days" was a great idea to save money on childcare has ended up making a beer with glitter in by accident.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Glitter Beer : Careful of those beards, chaps!</td></tr>
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<br />
The brewer, Gary had to bring his kid to work last week because snowy weather across the UK closed hundreds of schools, took his eyes off the little darling for couple of minutes thinking that it would be safe to finish cleaning a bit of equipment whilst 6 year old Zanus did a bit of arts and crafts for a school project.<br />
<br />
"I was just cleaning some tri-clamps and I took my eyes off of Zanus for a couple of minutes, I mean how much damage can a 6 year old boy do in that time, right?" he asked bewildered.<br />
"I finished cleaning my tri-clamps and was just dry-hopping a beer with 50kg of Fuggles when I noticed that the hops looked less twiggy and more sparkly than normal, my assistant brewer and I didn't have a clue what had gone on until Zanus and I had gotten home and he wanted me to look at the homework he had been doing in the brew house, apparently the cheeky little scamp had dumped a load of glitter into a couple of the open bags of fuggles"<br />
We asked Gary what sort of beer had the glitter in and he replied "It's like an imperial version of Stella with sparkles, we're going to call it IBS"<br />
After this seemingly happy accident we asked Gary if he had plans for any more quirky beers "Most of my beers are quirky to be honest, he said, one beer we make is a brown colour and we only put it into cask! That's cutting-edge-as-fuck nowadays, man!"<br />
<br />
<b><u>GLITTER FROM YOUR SHITTER?</u></b><br />
<br />
When asked about the potential for customers to start passing glitter in their bowel movements Gary assured us that the glitter would break down in the body and would therefore have little impact on the environment or the nature of the bowel movements.<br />
"You might get the odd sparkly plop here and there but it won't be anything to worry about, if anything those crafty beer numpties will have to worry more about getting the glitter stuck in their beards!"<br />
Finally we asked Gary if he would market this beer specifically to ladies and gays, he looked shocked as he replied "Dude, that's sexist and isn't a sustainable business model, our beer is solely aimed at those craft wanker millennials who are allergic to and get offended by everything".<br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-275460775475418986.post-67264343482723250272018-02-14T08:20:00.000+00:002018-02-14T08:21:48.272+00:00Giving The Gift Of Beer Actually A Bit Wank This ValentinesThousands of clueless bastards across the UK will today do a last minute dive into their local craft beer emporiums on their way home in the desperate attempt to find a Valentines Day gift for their loved ones.<br />
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But giving the gift of beer is just a bit wank, claimed loved ones everywhere, who still hadn't even bothered to open their bottles of Christmas beer, brought at the last minute instead of something good.<br />
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Having not managed to find anything good these clueless fuckwits are gratefully swallowing the bullshit line that the gift of craft beer is better than nothing this Hallmark Day.<br />
<br />
Even knowing the look of disappointment on his partner's face, overweight, idiot beer blagger, Rancidbarfly was seen sneaking into his local bottle shop and asking if they had any cans of Carlsberg Special Brew on offer this year but after getting a pitiful look from behind the counter he eventually settled for their recommendation of a homebrew kit.<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-275460775475418986.post-10662461373972424512018-02-11T12:50:00.000+00:002018-02-11T18:46:59.034+00:00Good People Who Drink Good Beer Not Really That Good After All<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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The thousands of craft beer drinkers across the UK who clap each other on the back for being good<br />
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people who drink good beer are being found out as really not that good after all.<br />
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In these social media savvy days the general public are finding that these good people who drink better beer than they do aren't really that nice after all.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi36gq39dL8w9uhUoiQptozqSszfOsBWa13WCZpZDxHs2-aZO8PBjX8nObWsijj1tiCIGt9m8zFyvAC-dYXQ_v4_YWd4Ca8eibuyt3wh3y1UBRtCRB6ek7-rHneJTh5a54boRy15P3C-l1N/s1600/rmKi6Ta3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="660" data-original-width="1023" height="206" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi36gq39dL8w9uhUoiQptozqSszfOsBWa13WCZpZDxHs2-aZO8PBjX8nObWsijj1tiCIGt9m8zFyvAC-dYXQ_v4_YWd4Ca8eibuyt3wh3y1UBRtCRB6ek7-rHneJTh5a54boRy15P3C-l1N/s320/rmKi6Ta3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Picture credit : @beerdoodles / @twattybeer</td></tr>
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The Good People Who Drink Good Beer Forum on Facebook is constantly turning down people who don't know a beer from AB InBev from a craft beer made from London Fields or Lagunitas, after all it's 2018 why don't the the general public know what craft beer is yet!!<br />
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These craft beer nerds constantly call each other good people that drink good beer and are often seen congregating at their local craft beer emporiums for a chance to have a self congratulatory wank over a can of murky hop-trub made by a man with a beard who just cashed out of his hedge-fund job.<br />
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Once these good people have sipped the beer it's imperative that they then go on to rate it out of 5 stars because let's face it, only good people know exactly what constitutes a good beer.<br />
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You too can know what truly good beer is by following this handy guide to rating a beer.<br />
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<b>* M<i>ade by Greene King, ABV InBev, or Brewdog</i>.</b><br />
<b>** <i>Cask beer made by a local brewery and not kept very well by their local pub, The Flame Under a Spoon.</i></b><br />
<b>*** M<i>ade by local brewery and is actually a good beer but it's just not cool enough to score 5 stars.</i></b><br />
<b>**** <i>Made by a craft brewery who have been around for more than 5 years and used to be the cool kids.</i></b><br />
<b>***** <i> Made by a brewery who claim to be so small they're limited to making 8 cans of beer per batch and charging the fucking earth for it, or Brewdog.</i></b><br />
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So if you consider yourself to be a "good person" who drinks "good beer" please remember to join a forum where you can slag people off for having tastebuds and opinions and rate the beers by following my handy rating guide above. You might also want to join other US based websites where you can show yourself to be an international "good person" for everyone to see.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-275460775475418986.post-85537336141728297932017-12-26T11:31:00.001+00:002017-12-26T11:31:06.544+00:00The Aspirational Lambics 2017<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b>Warning,</b> this contains foul language, a sense of irony and a misplaced regard of my own self importance. If you're easily triggered you probably shouldn't read this...<br />
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I warned you.<br />
<br />
Seriously.<br />
<br />
So i've only written (published) one post this year, partly because i write utter garbage and i'm bored of it now. But enough naval gazing lets have a brief look at what happened this year before i get to the awards bit, i know, you're literally itching to read them, but that might just be your newfound allergy to hops.<br />
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A bunch of people tried 'buying back' craft beer. Whatever helps you sleep at night. I find supporting your local brewery works just as well. Talking of supporting your local brewery, i joined then left mine, shit happens.<br />
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Price of a pint argument happened (AGAIN) in August and still gets talked about today, yawn-the-fuck off please, it's really fucking boring now.<br />
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Feminism in beer happened too apparently. Who'd have thought the beer industry would think about catching up so soon after ladies got the vote!<br />
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Brewery takeovers kept happening to absolutely no-one's surprise; to everyone's surprise though Carlsberg decided to bail-out Julio Utter-Bastard by buying his brewery, the best brewery buyout ever, probably.<br />
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Tiny Rebel brewery decided to fork out 31k to put their logo at the back of their cans of Cwtch Welsh Red Ale, taking pity on the thick bastards who can't read good and get easily confused by beer in a beer aisle.<br />
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So now to the awards; fake table drum roll please....<br />
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<b>Craft Brewery Sell-Out of the Year </b>: Wicked Weed, we all know they're just spending those new found millions on 'actual' weed now; who wouldn't?<br />
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<b>The Secret Guild of Beer Writers Loan of Pete Brown's Golden Tankard</b> went to, Adrian Tierney-Jones. Remember to give it back, old chap.<br />
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<b>Beer Style of the Year</b> : Anything with Flour in the recipe, because flour = juicy!<br />
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<b>The Opening Your Mouth Just to Change Feet</b>, award goes to everyone's favourite Journalist du jour, James Beeson.<br />
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<b>Best Bullshit in <strike>140</strike> 280 Characters</b> : I would have gone for the obvious which is the @pilotbeeruk twitter account because everyone has but apparently they sold their twitter account to AB InBev so, fuck 'em. Instead I've given this award to NO-ONE! UP YOUR FUCKING GAME, TWITTER!<br />
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<b>The Most Trump-Like Beer Occurrence of 2017</b> : Something about 'taking craft back'. Was it made badly? Do you need a refund? What does craft even mean anyway??<br />
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<b>Is It Beer & Food Matching If We Put Food IN Our Beer?</b> : Buxton Brewery, take a bow for sticking pecan crumble & toasted marshmallows in your Texas Pecan Ice Cream at IMBC.<br />
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<b>Best Bottle Label Collector</b> : Glen Balls<br />
<b>Best Keg Badge Collector </b>: Glen Wright<br />
<b>Best Cask Badge Collector </b>: Glen Garry - <i>ok ok, he hasn't tried this alias yet but give him time, he's special</i>.<br />
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<b>If You Live Long Enough You'll See Craft Trends Re-Occurring</b> : Black IPA's, innit.<br />
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<b>I'm So Cool It Fucking Hurts Award</b> : The stupid child (sorry, 20 something 'little person') at Brasserie de la Senne who said Cantillon were 'overrated'. I don't know your name but you're a bit of an idiot.<br />
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<b>Serve Me That Fucking Beer Again, I Fucking Dare You</b> : That cloudy pint of sarsons-esque Sambrooks Wandle at the Rose & Crown, Tooting. And please don't ever tell me it's supposed to be cloudy...idiot.<br />
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<b>I've Ignored CAMRA AND Brewdog, Shall I Give Them An Award? </b>: Nope.<br />
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There you have it, the most disappointing awards in the history of disappointing awards. Remember, if you want one of them i do sell these awards too now that i'm self employed, just don't expect an invoice!<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-275460775475418986.post-21680342641184333652017-05-09T09:37:00.000+01:002017-05-09T14:00:01.773+01:00Carlsberg to Find the Right Craft Beer Accessories!Danish macro brewer, Carlsberg announced yesterday that they're going to start buying UK craft breweries, in a desperate bid to keep up with mega-piss-producing Anhauser-Busch-InBev-SAB-Whatever and Heineken; but it's only going to buy breweries it can afford.<br />
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The UK arm of the Danish beer giant (it's bigger than Mikkeller and Evil Twin combined!) could be ready to acquire a UK Craft brewery later this year or early next year according to it's chief executive Julian Momen in a podcast he only bothered sending to the Publican Morning Advertiser; he just has to check his pocket change first.<br />
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He said "What we know is that an international craft brewery are absolutely the <i>must have <table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Craft beer, this seasons <i>must have</i> accessory!</td></tr>
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</i>accessories this season, all the big boys are sporting them now and we need to be seen out wearing the right bling"<br />
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Momen continues 'Local craft in the UK is actually growing faster than international craft and it doesn't exist in our portfolio right now so we're looking a bit like a sixteen year old chav from Croydon wearing fake gold teeth".<br />
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<h4>
FINDING THE RIGHT ONE</h4>
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A whole range of options are being assessed at the moment and whilst the CEO refused to reveal any specific details of which UK craft breweries they're looking at, the likes of Firebrand, Watneys and Julio Utter-Bastard's Poppy Fields were amongst the favourites.</div>
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"There are so many breweries to choose from, it's a virtual smorgasbord so it's about finding the right one in the right location as we are only taking our first steps into the craft sector" </div>
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Carlsberg recently acquired the rights to sell Brooklyn in the UK "it really made us sit up and look at what craft beer is, we had no fucking idea!" Momen enthused "getting the rights to Brooklyn made us look <i>all crafty </i>and now we've had a taste we want more!".<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-275460775475418986.post-58340507312819190942016-12-24T17:52:00.000+00:002016-12-24T17:52:41.699+00:00The Aspirational Lambic Awards 2016<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Having been reminded by the populist blogosphere that no one really gives a shit anymore i'm reverting back to type this year with the under appreciated and ever ignored Aspirational Lambics; awards so shit that no-one will want to get involved.<br />
So if there are any hardy souls out there that still read this garbage i'm sure there won't be afterwards!<br />
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This year was particularly difficult because unlike the real fucking world where 2016 has been a car-crash, hardly anything shit happened in the beer world save the geeks here and there being total joyless fuck-nuggets; so without further ado, here are the awards for 2016.<br />
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<b>The Lord Lucan award for best disappearing act of 2016</b> goes to : My soul. I grew a beard and worked in the beer industry this year, i am damned.<br />
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<b>Best Bullshit in 140 characters </b>: it's got pictures so <a href="https://twitter.com/beerdoodles"><span style="color: lime;">@beerdoodles</span></a> is top of the tree. Follow him or i'll send the boys round.<br />
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<b>Dullest beer style </b>: Cloudy; kind of bored of drinking pond water right now but goddamn it taste so good!<br />
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<b>How many mega beer companies do we have to buy before we're craft</b> : AB InBev again of course!! They finally managed to swallow SAB Miller this year but not without spitting out the chewy bits like Meantime.<br />
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<b>Somehow managed to stay out of jail award </b>: hate him or loathe him Julio Utter-Bastard somehow remains a free man which let's be brutally honest is a fucking surprise to us all!<br />
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<b>The 'But I never win anything award' for winning awards</b> : He's reached Doyen status now, partly because he's older than me and partly because he's too much of a fucking legend, yes you guessed it, Pete Brown.<br />
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<b>The UKIP award for best beer Nazi </b>: they're not beer nazis they're "Alt-Bier" and they're anyone with badge-wankery joy this year. Untappd users, take a bow!<br />
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<b>The Dinosaur award for not really knowing what they're doing and mostly smelling of piss</b> : CAMRA.<br />
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<b>I'd rather have a Carling </b>: Than anything by Poppy Fields brewery.<br />
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<b>The Donald Trump Award for spouting mostly horseshit this year</b> : Donald Fucking Trump of course! This vitriol isn't just for beer people you know! - What a class-A Wanker he is.<br />
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<b>If you make me drink that shit again i'll decapitate you </b>: Guinness Dublin Porter. Gopping shit.<br />
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Thanks 2016, i'm looking forward to 2017 and the bullshit you're all going to be surprised about... <b>**Spoiler alert**</b> - shit's only going to get messier!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-275460775475418986.post-38413398507162205492016-12-02T08:30:00.002+00:002016-12-02T08:51:03.859+00:00Pete Brown to Win Even Numbered Years Because No Other Fucker Comes CloseThe Secret Guild of Beer Blaggers had their annual awards dinner last night and as suspected, prolific blagger, Pete Brown won the prestigious golden tanker for Beer Writer of The Year.....again.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pete Brown, Winner Winner Posh Fucking Dinner</td></tr>
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This year the panel of judges decided that he should just win every other year because no other fucker comes close in their quest to be anywhere near as good as he is. Guild rules dictate that having won this year he will be the chairman of judges again for 2017 so the next time he'll be able to win will be 2018.<br />
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The guild got the idea from watching all the Star Trek movies and noticing that all the even numbered films were shit and that only the odd numbered ones were actually any good. The panel of judges said it was actually a great idea for saving money by just letting Pete win on even numbered years because they're all very busy but they begged us to not make them watch Star Trek IV, The Voyage Home again because it was almost as bad as the Rancid About Beer blog.<br />
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Pete showed extra skills by picking up the golden tankard from a Molson Coors sponsor that was non-existent. Apparently they couldn't afford the Uber fare to get from Euston station to the swanky Park Lane Hotel where the awards dinner was held.<br />
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Pete Brown is well known in his field for doing beer and music matching so we suggest that you enjoy reading this blog whilst listening to Carly Simon's <span style="color: lime;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SaV-6qerkqI"><span style="color: lime;">Nobody Does it Better</span></a>.</span>..Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-275460775475418986.post-71766674351636566782016-10-25T19:28:00.001+01:002016-10-25T19:29:06.486+01:00Crafty Beer Reaches Awards Apex <div>
Crafty beer has finally reached an apex of awards and self expression as gold, silver and bronze medals fall from the sky in homage to all the newly-bearded, plaid-shirted men and women who bring so much joy and passion to the crafty beer world. </div>
<div>
Speaking in a hushed voice brewer-turned-marketeer Jimmy Vats confided that he'd actually reached 'peak-brewer' in 2015 and that he'd won so many medals for his beer that he was going to plan lots of ridiculous marketing stunts instead and enter them in the beer marketing awards just for a change of pace. </div>
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Multi award winning brewery Greede Kerching put out a statement saying it was so bored of it's core range getting ignored when it came to medals that it was going to create a 'crafty' range of beers to help keep pace with the changing face of the beer industry. SIBA put their minds at ease though with a statement saying they would give medals to anyone willing to turn up on a rainy afternoon in Wisbech.</div>
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More beer awards rained down on all the breweries in the land from the likes of IBC, CAMRA, World Beer Cup (<i><a href="http://rabidbarfly.blogspot.co.uk/2016/04/world-beer-cup-actual-thing-insist.html"><span style="color: lime;">yes it's an actual thing</span></a></i>) and now, just so no-one is misses out, the imaginatively titled Beer Awards and all of them promise to throw awards at you if you even sneeze in a brewery just so that no-one feels unjustified in their sense of entitlement.</div>
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Chelsea captain and all-round sub-human scumbag, John Terry has barely played all season due to exhaustion at having to turn up to <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">JT steals another beer award from a deserving brewer.</td></tr>
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every single beer award ceremony even though he hasn't got a clue what award he's actually trying to gate-crash, he's also said to be disappointed at the total lack of married totty to try and pick up at the awards. Apparently Top Totty beer just isn't good enough.</div>
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</div>
<div>
Some industry professionals have expressed concern that the competitions are not a fair representation of what is great about the world of brewing any more due to the sheer volume of competitions these days and that even people such as anarchic beer blagger, Rancidbarfly with his ravaged tastebuds from years of Buckfast abuse are getting calls to be judges. One judge, who refused to be named so we'll just call him Aidy.T Croc-Wearer grumbled something about dumbing down beer awards but we couldn't make it out because his lips never actually left his can of Special Brew.</div>
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Brewers are said to be generally delighted with the amount of beer awards because they all help mark out their beers as super-special brews that people have to seek out in each and every new brewery tap that opens in a railway arch. Some breweries will have literally all their beers marked with awards just to show people how fabulous and unique they are; don't forget though, just because they are award winning beers it doesn't mean they'll be murky-as-fuck so remember to keep an open mind when photographing them for your UnFin'd check-in!</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-275460775475418986.post-6246337606040750932016-10-22T16:26:00.000+01:002016-10-22T16:26:27.905+01:00Beer Geek Gets The FeelsHistory was made yesterday as a self proclaimed beer expert got a serious case of 'the feels' whilst listening to a group of men discover crafty beer for the first time.<br />
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Sitting in his local beer emporium, Someone's Buying Beer and sipping on a triple-oaked, quadruple dry-hopped Imperial Pale Stout last night, stupidly thick beer blagger, Rancidbarfly started welling up as a group of lads took their first Bambi-like steps into the world of crafty beer.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Taking their first tentative steps into crafty beer</td></tr>
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Listening quietly to one side so as not to spook them, Rancidbarfly overhead snippets of their conversation like '<i>i kind of feel like something hoppy but not a double IPA...' </i>and '<i>it's a bit chilly out there, got anything warming?'. </i>The bartender was also doing his best to make them feel welcome whilst offering them a Session IPA and a Barleywine respectively. Rancid noted that they seemed to be really enjoying their beers.<br />
One of them even asked for a craft brewery by name! '<i>do you have any Brewdogging?' </i>he asked, the bartender merely smiled and gave him a taste of something better '<i>it's all about the Rainwater now, mate, try this' </i>And with that a new group of lads had discovered crafty beer.<br />
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"It makes me feel so happy to see these young people discovering crafty beer for the first time, it really has warmed my cold, dead heart"<br />
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The moment was ruined however when one of their mates turned up and asked for a can of Magners without any irony whatsoever; it was time for Rancidbarfly to return home.<br />
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Rolling her eyes and tutting loudly Rancidbarfly's more intelligent other half groaned "for fuck sake, it's just the beer talking, let's go for a Kebab, you'll feel much better!" And they trudged off into the night with Rancidbarfly starting to weep.<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-275460775475418986.post-41633478634885475532016-09-18T09:26:00.001+01:002016-09-18T09:26:07.794+01:00Wetherspoons Breakfast : A Miracle of ScienceIn a shock new survey, breakfasts at JD Wetherspoons pubs have been reported as one of the unhealthiest breakfast you can find.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Wetherspoons Food : a miracle of science!</td></tr>
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The pub group's large breakfast option had a calorie content of 1531 kcal, salt levels at 18.3g and saturated fat at 40.2g, the highest of 11 major operators that serve breakfast.<br />
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Wetherspoons vociferous blowhard owner, Tim Martin today defended his breakfast saying '<i>we've managed to get more calories out of cardboard and rubber than any other operator that sells a breakfast, this is something we've been trying to achieve for years and it makes me so proud!</i>'<br />
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Sitting in his local 'spoons, sporadical beer blagger, Rancidbarfly lauded the breakfast as a scientific marvel '<i>I think you have to acknowledge this breakfast as a miracle of science, how many others have tried to come up with a super-cheap meal consisting of so many calories without putting any actual food on the plate? Not many, I tells ya!</i>'<br />
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You can get the reconstituted cardboard meals at any Wetherspoons from 7am, daily.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0