Tuesday, 30 August 2016

I Never Met the Guy, Insists Beer Blagger

A man who never met the late beer and whiskey journalist, Michael Jackson(not that one) is today
Not the Godfather of Beer Writing
claiming never to have met the journalist even though he raised a toast to him on the 9th anniversary of his death.

Remarkably shit beer blagger, Glyn Roberts, author of the trashy beer blag Rabid About Beer in a moment of uncharacteristic quiet reflection, today instead merely raised a toast to Michael Jackson(no, still not that one) is his own way, with a can of crafty IPA made from a small but reputable crafty brewery from 'ooop north'.

The IPA that was brewed using Citra hops which bring forth the aromas of Mango, Apricot, Grapefruit and Mandarin Orange. Along with a lasting, juicy tropical fruit bitterness; we can only guess that the man also known as The Beer Hunter as well as the Godfather of beer writing would have only been able to summarise this beer as a totally juicy banger!

Well it does bang and it is rather juicy....

Michael Jackson was the first real person to write about beer seriously, with thrillers such as Bad and  Dangerous as well less well known publications like Forever, Michael and Invincible.....oooops sorry, not THAT one!


Tuesday, 9 August 2016

How to Survive GBBF

If you're lucky enough to be going to GBBF for the first time this year here are a few handy hints to make sure you make the most of the worlds biggest flat beer festival...
Hilarious attire. All the RAGE!

1. Bring a fuck-tonne of cash; this flat beer doesn't pay for itself y'know and it's mostly crafty now so it ain't cheap!

2. If you're usually a bit of a dick to bar staff remember that old man piss tastes way better than young persons piss and enjoy that alcohol-riddled sting on the way down...

3. Make sure your stomach is lined no-one likes to see lightweights passing out mid-afternoon, you'll just make the place look messy.

4. Head straight of the Foreign Muck bar before all the fucking geeks get the 'good' beer! It'll be twice the fucking price but remember, it's crafty!

5. Remember that it's a marathon not a sprint; you don't have to drink in pints all the time, even the halves are over poured by the amateur staff so you get a bit (not much, mind) of value for money.

6. Tactical chunder; do this in the toilet please, if you throw up in the main hall it'll only lead to others wanting to vomit too and I'm wearing new trainers this year!

7. Don't bother reading the program, you're only wasting valuable drinking time.

8. Cider bar. It's feral, just don't.

9. Do NOT engage beer geeks in conversation; we're here for the beer, not to listen to you whine about how flavoursome you think Greene King IPA is.

10. If you must go and get one of your various copies of CAMRA books signed by an author remember they're writers and not used to talking to actual people so try not to spook them.

11. Make sure you are correctly attired, beer-pun t-shirts are all the rage nowadays.

12. If you're going with your mates, remember that sniggering at beers called 'Rat Arsed Boobie Fiddler' is 'well funny' so maybe make a competition of it and see how many other fucking terrible hilariously titled beers you can find! Keep it to yourselves though, you don't want everyone to steal your idea!

So there you have it, you're welcome! If you need any more help, don't ask me i'll only be drunk.

Thursday, 4 August 2016

Brown Beer Day Ignored

Fans of Britains national drink are furious today as their favourite style of beer, dull, brown, lifeless bitter is being ignored for enormous hoppy IPAs.

International IPA day has been such a huge hit amongst the Twitteratti in recent years that CAMRA
Every beer ever : Grapefruit and Citrus notes with a mild tropical flavour.
stalwart, Stinky Al is having trouble finding anything to drink that's under 7% in his local 'spoons.
Al, who prefers to be called 'Stinky' on account of his beer farts was quoted as moaning 'I'm all for different beers on the bar, it gives me and the other beer zombies something to tick but it's getting a bit ridiculous when i can't find something that's brown, flat and 24 degrees on the bar, i'll have to start drinking in the Pee Louis again!' A deep growling noise came from his pants, we stepped away, gagging.

Speaking just before the main CAMRA event of the year, GBBF, the usually excitable Budgie McBudgington looked quite downcast when speaking to us 'the problem is that there's no one, big event were dull brown bitters are celebrated for what they are; i can't even take an IPA home in a Panda Pop bottle because after leaving it sitting on my bedroom floor for three weeks the grapefruit and citrus notes and mild tropical flavours make it taste rank!'.

Cool, hip beer comedians Tommy & Benny excitedly extolled the virtues of having IPA day whilst standing onstage somewhere in the outer hebrides cooly supping tins of Homeless lager. 'We firmly believe that all styles of beer should be celebrated, IPA most of all, it's well crafty' they sang in unison; everyone laughed.