Monday, 13 May 2013

Your Record Is Broken, Listen To Mine.

Every day I read utter nonsense about the beer world and it's various guises. Well, the record needs straightening!

Error 1. If you rate beer, you hate beer.
Fact. Don't hate the player, hate the game.....And some of the other players......

Error 2. All beer writers drink beer, only beer and nothing but the beer.
Fact. I also drink beer.

Error 3. Beer festivals are full of old men that smell of wee.
Fact. Beer festivals 'also have' old men that smell of wee.

Error 4. Craft means .....
Fact. Fuck, what does craft actually mean!

Error 5. Sparkled beer is superior to non-sparkled.
Fact. That's just bollocks.

Error 6. If it ain't barrel-aged, sieved through a whores knickers, gargled by James Watt and bottled by angels, it ain't worth drinking.
Fact. It could be gargled by Jim Jones and NateDawg would drink it!

Error 7. According to big beer companies, women need to have beer specifically brewed for their delicate palates.
Fact. Most women are more likely to down a pint of Imperial Stout and beat the shit out of a brewer for doing that (the ones that I know, anyway).

Error 8. If you drink 10 pints of Stella Artois you are likely to go home beat up your wife.
Fact. Is that before or after pissing yourself, vomiting and/or passing out?

Error 9. There are chemicals in lager.
Fact. Only the mind altering ones I add to make it more fun to drink.

Error 10. CAMRA says this is Real Ale.
Fact. CAMRA says a lot of things.....

Error 11. If you work in the pub/bar trade you party hard all the time.
Fact. If we were that busy partying that hard all the time, do you think we'd bother serving you?

Note from the author : Dear beer world/blogosphere/twittersphere/faecesbookosphere, please get a fucking life or I may just lose interest altogether.

6 comments:

Nate Dawg said...

It's nice to know that I'm a point of reference ;-)

Basically if I won't drink it, it truly is shit!

Glyn Roberts said...

hahaha, well, yeah. ;)

Tandleman said...

Error 5 is an error.

Glyn Roberts said...

Hook, line and sinker..... ;)

Cooking Lager said...

Fuck, what DOES craft actually mean ???????????????

Glyn Roberts said...

Make something up, Cookie. I'll go with that.