Wednesday, 18 April 2018

Fireball in Sky Causes Surge in Staff Sickness

A natural occurrence today caused an outbreak of heatstroke in bartenders everywhere. The
Staff at the Snake in the Craft attempt self medication during heatwave
phenomenon known only as 'the sun' is a well known cause of sick days everywhere and this year it seems bartenders have been particularly badly affected.

Sitting in his local crafty beer dive, The Snake in the Craft, beer blagger Rancidbarfly noted that it was taking an inordinately long time to get served due to the utter lack of staff behind the bar.
Whilst waiting for the lone bar tender to get round to him he noticed one member of staff actually waiting to be served.

"When I asked whether or not the member of staff should be serving instead of drinking I was told 'I'm taking a sick day, innit. I've got heatstroke' and it seemed completely plausible to me due to the temperature rocketing to a yearly high of 23 degrees outside". He continued "I felt so sorry for the poor lad that I even bought him the lager shandy he was waiting for and told him to get well soon and stay hydrated by drinking lots of fluids".

With the heatwave expected to last all week pubs and bars are bracing themselves for more staff shortages and have started calling in agency staff in an attempt to get customers served more quickly but customers will have to bear the brunt with prices expected to go up even further to help pay for them. On the plus side nobody is dying of radiation poisoning brought on by the nuclear fallout from Donald Trump's latest tweets; yet.

Thursday, 5 April 2018

Thoughts And Prayers Enough To Clean Lines

Staff at crafty beer emporium The Snake in the Craft have been told by their head office staff to clean
A typical crafty beer
their beer lines by offering thoughts and prayers.

In a desperately corporate bid to save money the beancounters at the Snake in the Craft head office argued that because most crafty brews are cloudy as fuck no-one would notice if the beer was shit or not.

One member of head office, who refused to be named so we called him Bob the Beancounter was quoted as saying "with the rise of cloudy craft beers we believe that thoughts and prayers are a much more effective way of cleaning the lines whilst also being a great way to save money that could be spent better elsewhere in the business, like beer mats or novelty hats"

When asked about the potential for yeast build up and therefore fobbing and beer wastage Bob the Beancounter shook his head wisely and just answered "who doesn't like a head on their beer?" All these Instagramers and their IceMan pours are so out of touch with what's really going on in the beer world! Customers just don't want value for money anymore"

Bob the Beancounter went on to predict that not only was this form of line cleaning going to be the next big thing in the crafty beer world but that it could also revolutionise other vital areas of the business such as staff training, kitchen management and paying suppliers.

Monday, 26 March 2018

BrewDog "Join Forces" With Draft House

Teeny tiny micro brewery BrewDog today surprised the beer industry by "joining forces" with well known craft beer pub chain, Draft House.

In a move that isn't at all like one of the macro-breweries taking over a micro brewery, today sees Draft House owner Charlie McVeigh hand over the reigns to David McDowell, the MD of BrewDog bars.

McDowell praised McVeigh in the press release circulated from the BrewDog website this morning saying "Charlie has done an absolutely amazing job building the business to this size, we had to break open all our ceramic piggy banks to be able to afford his brand" McDowell continued "Effectively though we are creating one killer team, ruining an awesome collection of craft beer bars!"

Reactions have been mixed to this news today with some people asking whether or not BrewDog will take out the cask beer taps in favour of more evil keg lines whilst others have asked excitedly, in true craft beer fashion, whether or not they will be able to use their 'Spoons Equity For Punks vouchers in the Draft Houses now.

Some people are even more cynical saying that BrewDog have only brought the Draft House chain so that they can get rid of the final million pints of Out Of Date Punk IPA they've been trying to force on people for god knows how long!



Time will tell we suppose.

Wednesday, 21 March 2018

Beer Blagger Upsets Other Beer Blaggers

Crafty beer blagger, Rancidbarfly apparently upset a junket full of other beer blaggers two days ago when he wrote about ATTACKED a beer vlogger for posting an inappropriately worded image that said vlogger had put up on his Instagram and Facebook accounts.

Apparently the junkets-worth of beer blaggers took offence to Rancid's comments on his poorly executed beer blog and have slammed Rancidbarfly for bullying the poor little vlogger.

That showed him. Rancidbarfly will now be banished to the naughty corner and pout like a five-year-old and remember who and what he is, a half-welsh, uneducated nobody and he better not forget it!




Monday, 19 March 2018

Idiot Vlogger Proves He Is In Fact An Idiot

A man known for having a beer YouTube channel and being a bit of an idiot has confirmed
today that he is indeed an idiot.

YouTube beer lothario, Simon Evans of the Real Ale Guide posted a photo of his latest beer conquest on his Instagram and Facebook platforms, the former of which has been deleted, probably due to the furore it caused on social media hate-site, Twitter.

Mr Evans managed to take a photo of a beer with no sexist branding whatsoever that would have enraged no-one, called Mr Owl APA by Ctretze Pirineus, a microbrewery in Spain and he somehow managed to add the words WOMAN'S PUSSY BEER onto the photo adding the brewer said it had been inspired by the meaning / shape of a woman's pussy.
We have so many questions but not enough words to put them into about that particular statement.

The whole of 2018 replied by saying "FFS will you just stop with the sexist bullshit already!?".

Mr Evans from Barry in Wales is expected to justify himself by saying that 1958 had not yet arrived in Barry let alone 2018, but as yet he has failed to make any comment. Probably because he's busy hiding his eyes from the comments on Twitter that could have been completely avoided had he not been such an idiot.

Saturday, 17 March 2018

Diageo To "Partner" With St Patricks Day

Drinks giant Diageo has struck a deal to partner with St Patricks Day for ever or at least until such
time as crafty beer becomes Irish.

In a bold move designed to make all their money through Guinness in just one day during the year, Diageo have bought St Patricks Day and will force all pub goers to celebrate all things Irish by making them wear stupid hats, pretending their grandparents were Irish and making them speak in ridiculously racist falsetto faux-Irish accents whilst being force-fed Guinness for one day of the year.

St Patricks Day commented "This "partnership" is a wonderful moment for all of us who have worked so hard to get St Patricks Day to where it is today" they continued "Diageo is the perfect fit for us because they believe in getting everyone absolutely shit-faced and making as much money as possible"

A Diageo representative was quoted as saying "We're delighted to welcome St Patricks Day into our growing portfolio and we're looking forward to colouring Guinness green for many years to come"

Some people were less optimistic though "Sooner or later Diageo will realise that Ireland has proper crafty breweries and they'll start buying them, then we'll have to start forking out a mortgage to get shit-faced on Paddy's Day"

One former critic of St Patricks Day has applauded this move whilst wearing his free, ridiculous looking hat; drunken halfwit, Rancidbarfly was heard to say "Honestly, who doesn't like Guinness? It's flavourless, odourless, characterless, inoffensive to everyone and I love the way they make it green on St Patricks day!"

Tuesday, 13 March 2018

Old Ugly Bastards Just Not Patient Enough Say Hot Young Bar Staff

Middle aged men who are reportedly becoming more and more impatient at the bar according to
"How'd you get served so quick?"
"I told the kid behind the bar i could see a bright white light"
pretty young bar staff who have only been trained to serve them if they absolutely must.

According to strict new rules of serving craft beer, Men over the age of 40 must be served in turn (last) even if they have been (luckily) acknowledged by the pretty young staff behind the bar and they must be patient whilst doing so.

Middle-aged beer blagger, Rancidbarfly was forced to make himself really uncomfortable at this local crafty beer dive, The Snake in the Craft, by holding up a £20 note in order to get served because even though bar staff had told him "With you in a minute, Buddy" 20 minutes ago he had started to get impatient.

"Hey, it's not me who makes the rules" said 21 year old barman, Tree Sap holding up his arms defensively, "these old boys need to learn that getting served in turn is a pretty persons game, nowadays, it's got nothing to do with how long you've been stood there!" he continued incredulously.

"I used to think of myself as mildly good looking in my youth" said a disgruntled Rancid "I must have been literally fooling myself into thinking i was worthy of service somewhere like this" Rancid sobbed before blowing his nose into his as yet, unused £20 note. "I'd better just leave and stop making the place look untidy"
"It's alright mate, i'll get to you eventually, we just need to make you super grateful to be drinking amongst the super hot, i've got a couple of convo's on the go and a few dozen snapchats to send but i'll get to you eventually" Tree Sap said without any hint of remorse. "Now who's next?" he shouted at an empty bar.

Saturday, 10 March 2018

Outrage As Child Labour Soars At Irish Brewery

The craft beer world once again was forced to express it's outrage yesterday. This time at nano Irish brewery, Hopfully Brewing apparently employing a bunch of children to market their beers.

Hopfully Brewing's Lovemaker Pale Ale was the source of the outrage as apparently children are being taught incorrectly about the birds and the bees in Ireland; in this case a mouse in a t-shirt stuck between what we've been informed is a pair of breasts but we're really not sure because we've never seen breasts shaped like that before.

There were so many outraged questions towards the brewery on hate-fuelled social media platform, Twitter yesterday, which were roundly ignored by the brewery.

One tweeter asked most of the questions we wanted to ask "Why do her boobs go like that? Why's he still wearing his shirt? Why are there mice? Why are they employing children to draw their artwork?"
Well, in light of the brewery not responding to these questions we've responded for them; it is of course due to a lack of sex education and a soaring number of unemployed children needing to find jobs as quickly as possible because, well, Brexit.

As a general boycott of this brewery will likely happen on the UK mainland where this brewery's beer isn't widely available another tweeter said "I like knowing that breweries don't want to take our money. It's an interesting business model for sure" We agree, it gives us the warm and fuzzies knowing they're trying to save us money by making sure we'll never buy the beer and at the same time employing needy children.

We can't wait to see twitter's face when it figures out it's a bit fucking derogatory too.

Wednesday, 7 March 2018

Bar Staff At Your Local Actually Not Your Mate After All

Bar staff at your local crafty beer emporium who have been talking to you as if you were their best
mate all afternoon whilst you drink inappropriately priced crafty brews aren't really your mate at all and are actually found to slag off customers an ex-staff in earshot of paying customers!

Sitting in his local divey craft beer hole, wayward beer blagger Rancidbarfly was found to be having a beer and actually listening to the bar staff who were loudly slagging off ex-colleagues and paying members of the public to their mates behind the bar.

Rather than waste their quiet afternoon behind the bar with menial tasks like cleaning and making it look like a place that mortals want to drink in, the staff of the Snake in the Craft were far more productive and instead spent their afternoon mouthing off about old colleagues and customers.
"That dude Theobold who used to work here, you remember him?" Max asked
"How could i forget, he had a real personal space issue" replied Poppy
"Yeah i think he was on the spectrum" Max replied
"He was on something!" August shouted, cue laughter from all.
"Shit, what about that dude who used to drink in here, what was his name? Big guy used get pissed and buy us all drinks when he was in...?" Poppy snarked with a side-eye to Max
"I just called him the halfwit; to his face though, it was all just jokes" Max responded loudly
"I haven't seen him in ages" Poppy said not noticing the young couple who'd been listening leave.

We asked our beer sodden hero, Rancidbarfly why he drank in here since the staff were such blatant assholes "Why wouldn't I? the beer's nicely overpriced, the staff are totally apathetic about service standards & the toilets are a total shit show, perfect place to drink and look cool at the same time!" We went in search of our own shitty crafty beer dive bar!

Saturday, 3 March 2018

Bring Your Brat To Work Day Ends In Glitter Beer

A brewer that thought bringing your kid to work on "snow days" was a great idea to save money on childcare has ended up making a beer with glitter in by accident.
Glitter Beer : Careful of those beards, chaps!

The brewer, Gary had to bring his kid to work last week because snowy weather across the UK closed hundreds of schools, took his eyes off the little darling for couple of minutes thinking that it would be safe to finish cleaning a bit of equipment whilst 6 year old Zanus did a bit of arts and crafts for a school project.

"I was just cleaning some tri-clamps and I took my eyes off of Zanus for a couple of minutes, I mean how much damage can a 6 year old boy do in that time, right?" he asked bewildered.
"I finished cleaning my tri-clamps and was just dry-hopping a beer with 50kg of Fuggles when I noticed that the hops looked less twiggy and more sparkly than normal, my assistant brewer and I didn't have a clue what had gone on until Zanus and I had gotten home and he wanted me to look at the homework he had been doing in the brew house, apparently the cheeky little scamp had dumped a load of glitter into a couple of the open bags of fuggles"
We asked Gary what sort of beer had the glitter in and he replied "It's like an imperial version of Stella with sparkles, we're going to call it IBS"
After this seemingly happy accident we asked Gary if he had plans for any more quirky beers "Most of my beers are quirky to be honest, he said, one beer we make is a brown colour and we only put it into cask! That's cutting-edge-as-fuck nowadays, man!"

GLITTER FROM YOUR SHITTER?

When asked about the potential for customers to start passing glitter in their bowel movements Gary assured us that the glitter would break down in the body and would therefore have little impact on the environment or the nature of the bowel movements.
"You might get the odd sparkly plop here and there but it won't be anything to worry about, if anything those crafty beer numpties will have to worry more about getting the glitter stuck in their beards!"
Finally we asked Gary if he would market this beer specifically to ladies and gays, he looked shocked as he replied "Dude, that's sexist and isn't a sustainable business model, our beer is solely aimed at those craft wanker millennials who are allergic to and get offended by everything".

Wednesday, 14 February 2018

Giving The Gift Of Beer Actually A Bit Wank This Valentines

Thousands of clueless bastards across the UK will today do a last minute dive into their local craft beer emporiums on their way home in the desperate attempt to find a Valentines Day gift for their loved ones.

But giving the gift of beer is just a bit wank, claimed loved ones everywhere, who still hadn't even bothered to open their bottles of Christmas beer, brought at the last minute instead of something good.

Having not managed to find anything good these clueless fuckwits are gratefully swallowing the bullshit line that the gift of craft beer is better than nothing this Hallmark Day.

Even knowing the look of disappointment on his partner's face, overweight, idiot beer blagger, Rancidbarfly was seen sneaking into his local bottle shop and asking if they had any cans of Carlsberg Special Brew on offer this year but after getting a pitiful look from behind the counter he eventually settled for their recommendation of a homebrew kit.





Sunday, 11 February 2018

Good People Who Drink Good Beer Not Really That Good After All

The thousands of craft beer drinkers across the UK who clap each other on the back for being good

people who drink good beer are being found out as really not that good after all.

In these social media savvy days the general public are finding that these good people who drink better beer than they do aren't really that nice after all.
Picture credit : @beerdoodles / @twattybeer
The Good People Who Drink Good Beer Forum on Facebook is constantly turning down people who don't know a beer from AB InBev from a craft beer made from London Fields or Lagunitas, after all it's 2018 why don't the the general public know what craft beer is yet!!

These craft beer nerds constantly call each other good people that drink good beer and are often seen congregating at their local craft beer emporiums for a chance to have a self congratulatory wank over a can of murky hop-trub made by a man with a beard who just cashed out of his hedge-fund job.

Once these good people have sipped the beer it's imperative that they then go on to rate it out of 5 stars because let's face it, only good people know exactly what constitutes a good beer.

You too can know what truly good beer is by following this handy guide to rating a beer.

*  Made by Greene King, ABV InBev, or Brewdog.
**  Cask beer made by a local brewery and not kept very well by their local pub, The Flame Under a Spoon.
***  Made by local brewery and is actually a good beer but it's just not cool enough to score 5 stars.
****  Made by a craft brewery who have been around for more than 5 years and used to be the cool kids.
*****  Made by a brewery who claim to be so small they're limited to making 8 cans of beer per batch and charging the fucking earth for it, or Brewdog.

So if you consider yourself to be a "good person" who drinks "good beer" please remember to join a forum where you can slag people off for having tastebuds and opinions and rate the beers by following my handy rating guide above. You might also want to join other US based websites where you can show yourself to be an international "good person" for everyone to see.