Thursday 26 May 2016

Mega Beer Manufacturer Eats Another Whole....and Burps.

Eu regulators finally gave in to Mega beer manufacturers AB InBev and allowed them to swallow SAB Miller whole for the measly price of €71bn making AB InBev the new Godzilla of the brewing industry.

Clearance was given with the condition that AB InBev sold nearly all of SAB Millers European based businesses, worth about €71bn.
AB InBev new logo

A faceless spokesman from AB InBev was quoted as saying "seems legit" before letting out a huge SAB flavoured burp.

Brewing Super-villain, Julio Utter-Bastard commented, "i just wish i'd thought of that" before going back to being Taxmans bitch.

Margrethe Vestager, commissioner in charge of competition policy said "this decision will ensure that competition is not weakened in these markets and that EU consumers are not worse off; well, no more worse off than if they'd drunk their own piss anyway".
"Europeans buy around €125bn (£98.8m) worth of beer every year so even a relatively small price increase could cause considerable financial harm to consumers! After all they are already paying over the odds for that crafty stuff, they only reason they drink the fizzy yellow piss is because it's cheap, it would have caused another world wide financial collapse"

Ahead of their AGM to be held in June, the Secret Guild of Beer Blaggers released a statement through one of their most revered members, Aidy Sweary-Pants saying "We, the Guild, would stand behind this takeover only if the quality of the beer isn't affected" he kept talking but in words only understood by an alien race known as the Xtellr (pronounced Crap-O-Beer) so we kinda stopped listening after that.

Average Joe Public looked on bemused and said "as long as i ain't paying that for my fucking beer next week, i'm alright wiv it!"

Life goes on as if nothing has happened.

Wednesday 11 May 2016

Budweiser Stunt Backfires As Trump Buys America

Producers of fizzy yellow piss, Budweiser have been left red faced as they tried to 'one-up' Donald Trump who has threatened to make America great again, by renaming their 'beer' America. Only to have Donald Trump buy America and by default, Belgium too!

The script on the can will read America until after the election in November when someone that's not Obama will be in the White House. Donny McTrumpface, as he likes to be known was so impressed by the new branding that he decided to buy it.

Ironically for America Budweiser, the beer, if you can call it that, is actually owned by Belgian Mega-Coroporation AB InBev who own most of Belgium too so as well as buying his way to the Presidency, Trumpton McTrumpyfarce has actually bought himself a small country in Europe too! Sorry Trumpus, no backsies!

There was also shock for the rest of us when Budweiser, now of course owned by SuperTrump decided to translate 'e pluribus unum' which they translated as 'Trumps Penis woz here'. Quite.

They had also planned to put some Woody Guthrie lyrics to This Land is Your Land on the cans but thought better of it knowing that all American land was now actually St Trumpions. Guthrie was unavailable for comment due the dizziness of spinning in his grave and being dead n'all that.

Tuesday 10 May 2016

Bright Yellow Thing Gone As British Return To Meaningless Lives

The wonder of the bright yellow thing in the sky has vanished now until 2017 and people all over Britain are expected to go about their boring, meaningless lives again.

With this years summer over, pubs are expected to be full of beer and devoid of customers now until the two days of summer in 2017.
Carlsberg don't do weather, but if they did, it'd be as shit as their beer.

Tooting pubs are once again full of the crafty beer which had been so popular when the sun was shining as people were prepared to pay more in their sun-filled happy state of minds! With the bright yellow thing now replaced with grey clouds and endless rain the little people of this small, dingy island will go back to drinking generic lagers brewed by faceless corporate whores and being generally angry the whole fucking time.

Yet even as half-witted beer blagger, Rancidbarfly wept into his pint of coffee and lamented the death of summer he managed to find a small crumb of comfort in the situation, because he's always been a-glass-full kinda guy "at least the crafty beer will be back on tap now and the smelly masses will be too angry about the prices to buy it any more!".


Monday 9 May 2016

Bright Yellow Thing Causes Beer Shortage

Disaster struck in South West London yesterday as a bright yellow ball in the sky caused thousands of people to leave their homes in search of the fabled crafty beer now available in so many newly refurbished, shabby-chic boozers.

Those venturing out in late afternoon on Sunday evening were left devastated at the total lack of crafty beer left in the pubs in Tooting!
Your craft beer 'event' is sold out!

Half-witted beer blagger, Rancidbarfly, himself one of those who left it too late was forced to ponder why pubs were running so low on crafty beer when there was so much bland tasteless shite still to drink!

Surely Tooting hasn't become this gentrified in the seven months I've been away!? Can someone please tell the brain dead masses that crafty beer is for a select few people and not them! With only the likes of Goose Island, Meantime, Lagunitas and Camden Town left on the taps I was forced to drink a flat pint of Trumans rather than a lovely fizzy can of Beavertown which i was really looking forward to!

Real experts were quick to come to all sorts of conclusions as to why the crafty beer had run out claiming that pubs just aren't used to ordering so much crafty beer or even that the breweries themselves can't cope with the sheer scale of orders when the sun comes out twice a year! Others speculated that with all these new 'celebrity brewers' spending all their time out of their breweries pretending to be cool and going to made-up 'conferences', they simply weren't spending enough time brewing beer!

A brewer who wished to remain nameless angrily replied to questions on the lack of availability of his beer "Listen, we simply don't want the capacity to keep up with the likes of Meantime, Camden Town or their 'partners' because our beer is a fucking event, man and it's going to remain such!