Wednesday, 14 February 2018

Giving The Gift Of Beer Actually A Bit Wank This Valentines

Thousands of clueless bastards across the UK will today do a last minute dive into their local craft beer emporiums on their way home in the desperate attempt to find a Valentines Day gift for their loved ones.

But giving the gift of beer is just a bit wank, claimed loved ones everywhere, who still hadn't even bothered to open their bottles of Christmas beer, brought at the last minute instead of something good.

Having not managed to find anything good these clueless fuckwits are gratefully swallowing the bullshit line that the gift of craft beer is better than nothing this Hallmark Day.

Even knowing the look of disappointment on his partner's face, overweight, idiot beer blagger, Rancidbarfly was seen sneaking into his local bottle shop and asking if they had any cans of Carlsberg Special Brew on offer this year but after getting a pitiful look from behind the counter he eventually settled for their recommendation of a homebrew kit.





Sunday, 11 February 2018

Good People Who Drink Good Beer Not Really That Good After All

The thousands of craft beer drinkers across the UK who clap each other on the back for being good

people who drink good beer are being found out as really not that good after all.

In these social media savvy days the general public are finding that these good people who drink better beer than they do aren't really that nice after all.
Picture credit : @beerdoodles / @twattybeer
The Good People Who Drink Good Beer Forum on Facebook is constantly turning down people who don't know a beer from AB InBev from a craft beer made from London Fields or Lagunitas, after all it's 2018 why don't the the general public know what craft beer is yet!!

These craft beer nerds constantly call each other good people that drink good beer and are often seen congregating at their local craft beer emporiums for a chance to have a self congratulatory wank over a can of murky hop-trub made by a man with a beard who just cashed out of his hedge-fund job.

Once these good people have sipped the beer it's imperative that they then go on to rate it out of 5 stars because let's face it, only good people know exactly what constitutes a good beer.

You too can know what truly good beer is by following this handy guide to rating a beer.

*  Made by Greene King, ABV InBev, or Brewdog.
**  Cask beer made by a local brewery and not kept very well by their local pub, The Flame Under a Spoon.
***  Made by local brewery and is actually a good beer but it's just not cool enough to score 5 stars.
****  Made by a craft brewery who have been around for more than 5 years and used to be the cool kids.
*****  Made by a brewery who claim to be so small they're limited to making 8 cans of beer per batch and charging the fucking earth for it, or Brewdog.

So if you consider yourself to be a "good person" who drinks "good beer" please remember to join a forum where you can slag people off for having tastebuds and opinions and rate the beers by following my handy rating guide above. You might also want to join other US based websites where you can show yourself to be an international "good person" for everyone to see.

Tuesday, 26 December 2017

The Aspirational Lambics 2017

Warning, this contains foul language, a sense of irony and a misplaced regard of my own self importance. If you're easily triggered you probably shouldn't read this...

I warned you.

Seriously.

So i've only written (published) one post this year, partly because i write utter garbage and i'm bored of it now. But enough naval gazing lets have a brief look at what happened this year before i get to the awards bit, i know, you're literally itching to read them, but that might just be your newfound allergy to hops.

A bunch of people tried 'buying back' craft beer. Whatever helps you sleep at night. I find supporting your local brewery works just as well. Talking of supporting your local brewery, i joined then left mine, shit happens.

Price of a pint argument happened (AGAIN) in August and still gets talked about today, yawn-the-fuck off please, it's really fucking boring now.

Feminism in beer happened too apparently. Who'd have thought the beer industry would think about catching up so soon after ladies got the vote!

Brewery takeovers kept happening to absolutely no-one's surprise; to everyone's surprise though Carlsberg decided to bail-out Julio Utter-Bastard by buying his brewery, the best brewery buyout ever, probably.

Tiny Rebel brewery decided to fork out 31k to put their logo at the back of their cans of Cwtch Welsh Red Ale, taking pity on the thick bastards who can't read good and get easily confused by beer in a beer aisle.

So now to the awards; fake table drum roll please....

Craft Brewery Sell-Out of the Year : Wicked Weed, we all know they're just spending those new found millions on 'actual' weed now; who wouldn't?

The Secret Guild of Beer Writers Loan of Pete Brown's Golden Tankard went to, Adrian Tierney-Jones. Remember to give it back, old chap.

Beer Style of the Year : Anything with Flour in the recipe, because flour = juicy!

The Opening Your Mouth Just to Change Feet, award goes to everyone's favourite Journalist du jour, James Beeson.

Best Bullshit in 140 280 Characters : I would have gone for the obvious which is the @pilotbeeruk twitter account because everyone has but apparently they sold their twitter account to AB InBev so, fuck 'em. Instead I've given this award to NO-ONE! UP YOUR FUCKING GAME, TWITTER!

The Most Trump-Like Beer Occurrence of 2017 : Something about 'taking craft back'. Was it made badly? Do you need a refund? What does craft even mean anyway??

Is It Beer & Food Matching If We Put Food IN Our Beer? : Buxton Brewery, take a bow for sticking pecan crumble & toasted marshmallows in your Texas Pecan Ice Cream at IMBC.

Best Bottle Label Collector : Glen Balls
Best Keg Badge Collector : Glen Wright
Best Cask Badge Collector : Glen Garry - ok ok, he hasn't tried this alias yet but give him time, he's special.

If You Live Long Enough You'll See Craft Trends Re-Occurring : Black IPA's, innit.

I'm So Cool It Fucking Hurts Award : The stupid child (sorry, 20 something 'little person') at Brasserie de la Senne who said Cantillon were 'overrated'. I don't know your name but you're a bit of an idiot.

Serve Me That Fucking Beer Again, I Fucking Dare You : That cloudy pint of sarsons-esque Sambrooks Wandle at the Rose & Crown, Tooting. And please don't ever tell me it's supposed to be cloudy...idiot.

I've Ignored CAMRA AND Brewdog, Shall I Give Them An Award? : Nope.

There you have it, the most disappointing awards in the history of disappointing awards. Remember, if you want one of them i do sell these awards too now that i'm self employed, just don't expect an invoice!



Tuesday, 9 May 2017

Carlsberg to Find the Right Craft Beer Accessories!

Danish macro brewer, Carlsberg announced yesterday that they're going to start buying UK craft breweries, in a desperate bid to keep up with mega-piss-producing Anhauser-Busch-InBev-SAB-Whatever and Heineken; but it's only going to buy breweries it can afford.

The UK arm of the Danish beer giant (it's bigger than Mikkeller and Evil Twin combined!) could be ready to acquire a UK Craft brewery later this year or early next year according to it's chief executive Julian Momen in a podcast he only bothered sending to the Publican Morning Advertiser; he just has to check his pocket change first.

He said "What we know is that an international craft brewery are absolutely the must have
Craft beer, this seasons must have accessory!
accessories this season, all the big boys are sporting them now and we need to be seen out wearing the right bling"

Momen continues 'Local craft in the UK is actually growing faster than international craft and it doesn't exist in our portfolio right now so we're looking a bit like a sixteen year old chav from Croydon wearing fake gold teeth".

FINDING THE RIGHT ONE

A whole range of options are being assessed at the moment and whilst the CEO refused to reveal any specific details of which UK craft breweries they're looking at, the likes of Firebrand, Watneys and Julio Utter-Bastard's Poppy Fields were amongst the favourites.

"There are so many breweries to choose from, it's a virtual smorgasbord so it's about finding the right one in the right location as we are only taking our first steps into the craft sector" 

Carlsberg recently acquired the rights to sell Brooklyn in the UK "it really made us sit up and look at what craft beer is, we had no fucking idea!" Momen enthused "getting the rights to Brooklyn made us look all crafty and now we've had a taste we want more!".

Saturday, 24 December 2016

The Aspirational Lambic Awards 2016

Having been reminded by the populist blogosphere that no one really gives a shit anymore i'm reverting back to type this year with the under appreciated and ever ignored Aspirational Lambics; awards so shit that no-one will want to get involved.
So if there are any hardy souls out there that still read this garbage i'm sure there won't be afterwards!

This year was particularly difficult because unlike the real fucking world where 2016 has been a car-crash, hardly anything shit happened in the beer world save the geeks here and there being total joyless fuck-nuggets; so without further ado, here are the awards for 2016.

The Lord Lucan award for best disappearing act of 2016 goes to : My soul. I grew a beard and worked in the beer industry this year, i am damned.

Best Bullshit in 140 characters : it's got pictures so @beerdoodles is top of the tree. Follow him or i'll send the boys round.

Dullest beer style : Cloudy; kind of bored of drinking pond water right now but goddamn it taste so good!

How many mega beer companies do we have to buy before we're craft : AB InBev again of course!! They finally managed to swallow SAB Miller this year but not without spitting out the chewy bits like Meantime.

Somehow managed to stay out of jail award : hate him or loathe him Julio Utter-Bastard somehow remains a free man which let's be brutally honest is a fucking surprise to us all!

The 'But I never win anything award' for winning awards : He's reached Doyen status now, partly because he's older than me and partly because he's too much of a fucking legend, yes you guessed it, Pete Brown.

The UKIP award for best beer Nazi : they're not beer nazis they're "Alt-Bier" and they're anyone with badge-wankery joy this year. Untappd users, take a bow!

The Dinosaur award for not really knowing what they're doing and mostly smelling of piss : CAMRA.

I'd rather have a Carling :  Than anything by Poppy Fields brewery.

The Donald Trump Award for spouting mostly horseshit this year : Donald Fucking Trump of course! This vitriol isn't just for beer people you know! - What a class-A Wanker he is.

If you make me drink that shit again i'll decapitate you : Guinness Dublin Porter. Gopping shit.

Thanks 2016, i'm looking forward to 2017 and the bullshit you're all going to be surprised about... **Spoiler alert** - shit's only going to get messier!

Friday, 2 December 2016

Pete Brown to Win Even Numbered Years Because No Other Fucker Comes Close

The Secret Guild of Beer Blaggers had their annual awards dinner last night and as suspected, prolific blagger, Pete Brown won the prestigious golden tanker for Beer Writer of The Year.....again.

Pete Brown, Winner Winner Posh Fucking Dinner
This year the panel of judges decided that he should just win every other year because no other fucker comes close in their quest to be anywhere near as good as he is. Guild rules dictate that having won this year he will be the chairman of judges again for 2017 so the next time he'll be able to win will be 2018.

The guild got the idea from watching all the Star Trek movies and noticing that all the even numbered films were shit and that only the odd numbered ones were actually any good. The panel of judges said it was actually a great idea for saving money by just letting Pete win on even numbered years because they're all very busy but they begged us to not make them watch Star Trek IV, The Voyage Home again because it was almost as bad as the Rancid About Beer blog.

Pete showed extra skills by picking up the golden tankard from a Molson Coors sponsor that was non-existent. Apparently they couldn't afford the Uber fare to get from Euston station to the swanky Park Lane Hotel where the awards dinner was held.

Pete Brown is well known in his field for doing beer and music matching so we suggest that you enjoy reading this blog whilst listening to Carly Simon's Nobody Does it Better...

Tuesday, 25 October 2016

Crafty Beer Reaches Awards Apex

Crafty beer has finally reached an apex of awards and self expression as gold, silver and bronze medals fall from the sky in homage to all the newly-bearded, plaid-shirted men and women who bring so much joy and passion to the crafty beer world. 
Speaking in a hushed voice brewer-turned-marketeer Jimmy Vats confided that he'd actually reached 'peak-brewer' in 2015 and that he'd won so many medals for his beer that he was going to plan lots of ridiculous marketing stunts instead and enter them in the beer marketing awards just for a change of pace. 

Multi award winning brewery Greede Kerching put out a statement saying it was so bored of it's core range getting ignored when it came to medals that it was going to create a 'crafty' range of beers to help keep pace with the changing face of the beer industry. SIBA put their minds at ease though with a statement saying they would give medals to anyone willing to turn up on a rainy afternoon in Wisbech.

More beer awards rained down on all the breweries in the land from the likes of IBC, CAMRA, World Beer Cup (yes it's an actual thing) and now, just so no-one is misses out, the imaginatively titled Beer Awards and all of them promise to throw awards at you if you even sneeze in a brewery just so that no-one feels unjustified in their sense of entitlement.
Chelsea captain and all-round sub-human scumbag, John Terry has barely played all season due to exhaustion at having to turn up to
JT steals another beer award from a deserving brewer.
every single beer award ceremony even though he hasn't got a clue what award he's actually trying to gate-crash, he's also said to be disappointed at the total lack of married totty to try and pick up at the awards. Apparently Top Totty beer just isn't good enough.
Some industry professionals have expressed concern that the competitions are not a fair representation of what is great about the world of brewing any more due to the sheer volume of competitions these days and that even people such as anarchic beer blagger, Rancidbarfly with his ravaged tastebuds from years of Buckfast abuse are getting calls to be judges. One judge, who refused to be named so we'll just call him Aidy.T Croc-Wearer grumbled something about dumbing down beer awards but we couldn't make it out because his lips never actually left his can of Special Brew.

Brewers are said to be generally delighted with the amount of beer awards because they all help mark out their beers as super-special brews that people have to seek out in each and every new brewery tap that opens in a railway arch. Some breweries will have literally all their beers marked with awards just to show people how fabulous and unique they are; don't forget though, just because they are award winning beers it doesn't mean they'll be murky-as-fuck so remember to keep an open mind when photographing them for your UnFin'd check-in!