Monday, 6 April 2020

The Lockdown Chronicles #2

Let's try "Dry Covid" - Lockdown is the time to kick our nations alcohol habit for good!
A lazy picture of shitty mass-produced beer.

Writing an opinion piece in The Independent, which had a lazy picture with shitty mass-produced beers in it, Ian McDonald suggested that alcohol was a luxury and everyone apart from alcoholics should give it up during the Coronavirus lockdown.
His argument that off-licenses should not be classed as essential services really got the British people rallying together in a way that not even a Tory government can!

Of course the beer Twitter community were completely on board with this and comments started flooding in, as soon as the article was published online.

Our very own Rancidbarfly led the praise with comments like "Get fucked, and when you're done getting fucked, go get fucked some more".

Chairman of the Secret Guild of Beer Writers, Pete Brown replied to the article with "let's not and pretend we did" which seems entirely too reasonable.

Our personal favourite though, was a headline from the Drinks Business "Supermarket sees booze sales rise 22% following on-trade closures" nailed it lads!

Even regular-hateful non-beer-Twitter got involved with comments like "Get in the Sea" or "If you think I'm stuck indoors, homeschooling my kids whilst sober, think again".

Never before has one man been so hated in one day and that's really saying a lot with Piers Morgan and Donald Trump also both still drawing breath. It's almost as if this British "journalist" has never met any other British people before, you want to get out more son, go mingle.

A message from our idiot overseer...
In other news the whole world is staying indoors now, it's "on trend" or something wanky like that so do the world a fucking favour and join in.

Monday, 23 March 2020

The Lockdown Chronicles #1

First came the plague. Then the government made a suggestion that people stop congregating in public areas, which naturally people ignored because fuck it, if they didn't feel ill then dammit if others did.
When the plague didn't miraculously end with these forthright measures laid out by a man with silly hair wearing a clown suit, said man then insisted that people stop going out to public spaces "oh well if you insist...." said the masses as they went about their business.

Soon the supermarkets had been ransacked and people were shouting at each other to stay the fuck
Unbelievably the masses forgot to buy Gin.
indoors and lockdown life was basically the same as normal life; the only difference being people use to have no money because they spent it all on beer and cocaine now they have no money because they spent it all on bog roll and penne.

Idiot beer blagger, Rancidbarfly for once is seeing the positive side of life through the rose tinted specs of self-isolation.
Talking on Twatter earlier today, our hero told of the mercy of not having to actually leave the house any more "I'm really relieved actually, what many people don't realise is that I'm not really a people person" he said sincerely.
When asked if he would miss going into pubs now that they'd been closed he replied "I'll miss telling the wife that I've nearly finished my pint, that was kind of funny, we always laughed when I came home three hours later having pissed myself in the pub, well I did, at least".

Commenting on the panic-buying in supermarkets "I mean I can see why people are buying shed loads of bog roll, they're about to start eating their own cooking again instead of getting ObeseEats deliveries every night.  I'll be ok though, I'm about to start wiping my arse on the neighbours cat".

Thursday, 21 June 2018

Twitter Outraged Again.

Twitter has once again confirmed it's the one and only place to vent your vitriolic hate of success again as news that the crafty beer worlds worst kept secret has finally been confirmed today. Popular crafty brewer, Beavertown has sold a minority stake to not-so-crafty or popular mega brewery, Heineken; sparking outrage aimed at the brewery online.

You literally couldn't move for metaphorical pitchforks on Twitter this morning as founding beaver,(FB) Logan Plant announced through the new corporate looking Beavertown website that his company had received £40m worth of investment from Heineken for an undisclosed minority stake so that Beavertown could develop BEAVERWORLD, which is either a brewery experience you won't forget in a hurry or the worlds worst strip joint.

Twitter being Twitter took it as only Twitter could, badly and with the hatred we have all come to know and expect. After all FB had not only sold a stake in his company but had seemingly driven it through the heart of every single crafty beer geek in the world leaving them in some form of vampiric pile of ashes.

Some of the more respectful language being aimed at the brewery was one user saying "Fuck You, Beavertown" and using the hashtag #sellouts. I'd like to publish more comments but this is a fucking family orientated blog and we can't publish that sort of shit here.

Some of the other fall-out to the news has been independent beer shops pulling their Beavertown stock because they're afraid it might taste of Heineken; and breweries pulling out of the annual Beavertown Extravaganza citing absolutely no reasons whatsoever.

The only real shock to this whole affair is the fact that Brewdog took so long to condemn the news and do all the expected Brewdoggy things like take beers off their bar and pull out of BeaverX. 

The only thing left to do now is leave you, fearless reader, with a gratuitous beaver shot.

Sunday, 22 April 2018

Beer Blagger Overdoes it Watching the London Marathon

A beer blagger today had to go and have a lie down after becoming exhausted from watching lots of
Rancidbarfly rehydrates after a taxing
session watching the London Marathon.
awesome folks running the London Marathon.

Idiot beer blagger, Rancidbarfly was taking time out from being generally shit at life to watch thousands of people raise money for charities and be all generally awesome and inspiring but he only managed to get wheezy and sweaty just from watching the event on television.

"Things came to a head around 23 miles into it and I started feeling dizzy and had to go and have a lie down for a few minutes" he said sweating profusely and taking a drag from his Ventolin inhaler.

With nearly record temperatures outside and a lounge window that gets the sun all day, our hero decided to get the full London Marathon effect by turning up all the heating in his flat too. "If this didn't help me lose my beer belly I don't know what will!" he exclaimed profoundly.

Luckily for Rancidbarfly he had a fridge full of crafty beers with which to rehydrate and he was back in the race after a quick power nap!

Wednesday, 18 April 2018

Fireball in Sky Causes Surge in Staff Sickness

A natural occurrence today caused an outbreak of heatstroke in bartenders everywhere. The
Staff at the Snake in the Craft attempt self medication during heatwave
phenomenon known only as 'the sun' is a well known cause of sick days everywhere and this year it seems bartenders have been particularly badly affected.

Sitting in his local crafty beer dive, The Snake in the Craft, beer blagger Rancidbarfly noted that it was taking an inordinately long time to get served due to the utter lack of staff behind the bar.
Whilst waiting for the lone bar tender to get round to him he noticed one member of staff actually waiting to be served.

"When I asked whether or not the member of staff should be serving instead of drinking I was told 'I'm taking a sick day, innit. I've got heatstroke' and it seemed completely plausible to me due to the temperature rocketing to a yearly high of 23 degrees outside". He continued "I felt so sorry for the poor lad that I even bought him the lager shandy he was waiting for and told him to get well soon and stay hydrated by drinking lots of fluids".

With the heatwave expected to last all week pubs and bars are bracing themselves for more staff shortages and have started calling in agency staff in an attempt to get customers served more quickly but customers will have to bear the brunt with prices expected to go up even further to help pay for them. On the plus side nobody is dying of radiation poisoning brought on by the nuclear fallout from Donald Trump's latest tweets; yet.

Thursday, 5 April 2018

Thoughts And Prayers Enough To Clean Lines

Staff at crafty beer emporium The Snake in the Craft have been told by their head office staff to clean
A typical crafty beer
their beer lines by offering thoughts and prayers.

In a desperately corporate bid to save money the beancounters at the Snake in the Craft head office argued that because most crafty brews are cloudy as fuck no-one would notice if the beer was shit or not.

One member of head office, who refused to be named so we called him Bob the Beancounter was quoted as saying "with the rise of cloudy craft beers we believe that thoughts and prayers are a much more effective way of cleaning the lines whilst also being a great way to save money that could be spent better elsewhere in the business, like beer mats or novelty hats"

When asked about the potential for yeast build up and therefore fobbing and beer wastage Bob the Beancounter shook his head wisely and just answered "who doesn't like a head on their beer?" All these Instagramers and their IceMan pours are so out of touch with what's really going on in the beer world! Customers just don't want value for money anymore"

Bob the Beancounter went on to predict that not only was this form of line cleaning going to be the next big thing in the crafty beer world but that it could also revolutionise other vital areas of the business such as staff training, kitchen management and paying suppliers.

Monday, 26 March 2018

BrewDog "Join Forces" With Draft House

Teeny tiny micro brewery BrewDog today surprised the beer industry by "joining forces" with well known craft beer pub chain, Draft House.

In a move that isn't at all like one of the macro-breweries taking over a micro brewery, today sees Draft House owner Charlie McVeigh hand over the reigns to David McDowell, the MD of BrewDog bars.

McDowell praised McVeigh in the press release circulated from the BrewDog website this morning saying "Charlie has done an absolutely amazing job building the business to this size, we had to break open all our ceramic piggy banks to be able to afford his brand" McDowell continued "Effectively though we are creating one killer team, ruining an awesome collection of craft beer bars!"

Reactions have been mixed to this news today with some people asking whether or not BrewDog will take out the cask beer taps in favour of more evil keg lines whilst others have asked excitedly, in true craft beer fashion, whether or not they will be able to use their 'Spoons Equity For Punks vouchers in the Draft Houses now.

Some people are even more cynical saying that BrewDog have only brought the Draft House chain so that they can get rid of the final million pints of Out Of Date Punk IPA they've been trying to force on people for god knows how long!

Time will tell we suppose.