Tuesday 29 March 2016

ECB To Punish England Cricket Fans With Fosters

The England and Wales Cricket Board (ECB) has decided to punish English cricket fans by making them drink Australian Fosters at all England home games for the next two years despite the deep rooted rivalry between the two cricketing nations.

A joint advertising campaign between the ECB and Fosters will see the beer being poured exclusively at all England home games.
A representative of the ECB who refused to be named was quoted as saying "The ECB has decided that the fans are getting far too badly behaved nowadays, so we have decided to punish them with Fosters; it's far less flavoursome than that craft nastiness from Marstons!"
drinking Fosters will make you wear white lippy!

Forde Prefect, Master of Disaster at Fosters owners, Heineken said "we're thrilled to be teaming up with English Cricket, the England team seem to be playing very well at the moment so hopefully making their fans drink our tasteless fizzy shite will shut them up a bit"
He added "England needs to learn that drinking crafty beer makes you a drunken hipster and so drinking fizzy 'Australian' shite will see the English go back to their tasteless, imperial roots"

Heinekens rival Budweiser snarked from the sidelines "we don't understand this British game, cricket; go baseball!" before marching off into the sunset chanting USA USA USA!

Monday 28 March 2016

Utter-Bastard Charged With 5bn of Suspected Fraud.

Evil brewery owning drug overlord Julio Utter-Bastard, has finally been caught by super hero, Taxman and charge with a suspected £5bn worth of fraud, The Evening Standard reports.
As a result, his brewery, Poppy Fields has been put up for sale in a desperate bid to save the jobs of the poor bastards that work for him.

Mr Utter-Bastard would only make the following statement "Deep down i always knew that my nemesis, Taxman, would get me in the end but i just couldn't help myself, i'm just rotten to the core".
When he was in primary school, Mr Utter-Bastard once attended 'dress as your hero day' as Darth Vader because the plastic mask was on discount at the party store and it was more interesting than going dressed as Charles Manson. Also Mr Utter-Bastard wasn't old enough to grow facial hair at the time.

Manson was quoted as saying "knowing that Mr Utter-Bastard is doing such a great job gives me hope for the future, i'm super-proud!"
Proud role model. Charles Manson.

Estate Agent, David Lying Cougher's advert states the following...

Poppy Fields brewery is a developing business with a strong turnover and 'unique' business model in the craft beer industry. No other brewery is daring enough to include class-a drugs in their recipes which keep the hipsters hooked on this shit. 
There is a professional management team in place and the business is ideally placed in Hackney to cater to all those gullible hipster saps who still think it's cool to call beer 'crafty'.

Poppy Fields Brewery is a member of the London Brewers Dalliance(LBD), who would make no comment on one of their own being charged with fraud and went back to planning their next big event in twenty years time. Mr Utter-Bastard famously fucked up the yearly LBD event a few years back and the pubs in the local Hackney area made a killing as a result.

The poisoned chalice remains up for sale and the case continues...

Thursday 24 March 2016

Conor McGregor Budweiser Ad Banned For Featuring Absolutely No Beer

Super-corporate, bland piss producing mega-brewery Budweiser have submitted their latest advert for review to the Advertising Standards Authority of Ireland(ASAI), only to have it turned down for featuring absolutely no fucking beer.

Instead it features Ultimate Foighting Hero, Conor McGregor walking through the streets of first Dublin then then somewhere in homogenised America mumbling something about following your dreams.

The ASAI stated that it simply could not condone such a blatantly anti-beer advert and that the advert would not encourage children to go and drink beer but instead go and start fighting each other like in some insanely violent Brad Pitt movie; not only that, they might start wearing ridiculous trilby hats like Pitt did in that movie that time! It added "simply putting the Budweiser logo at the end just makes it look like a really shoite tourist ad"
Conor McGregor, too sexy for this hat

Budweiser's army of lawyers responded with the following statement "Conor is an aspirational figure for people that wish to follow their dreams and ambitions" before uncomfortably shifting their briefcases onto their laps and continuing "based on independent statistical research, Conor McGregor has overwhelming adult appeal".

Budweiser's rival, Heineken, snarked from the sidelines "We should not and would not, use anyone in our ads who would so blatantly appeal to our homoerotic desires as we're just not that comfortable with our sexuality" everyone else sniggered at the word erotic and went for a pint of Guinness.

you can view the illegal advert here

or here!

Wednesday 23 March 2016

Old Lady Turns 90, Nation to Get Hammered.

People all over England and Wales are celebrating today as 'call me Dave' Cameron announced that pub opening hours would be extended on 10th & 11th June to help celebrate the Queens 90th birthday.

Pubs will be allowed to open for a whole two hours extra or until 1am! As the nation looked at him bewildered as to why they were being able to stay open for a whole two hours extra, Cameron, or Ham-face as he likes to be known, added a stipulation that only people from the Commonwealth would be allowed to take advantage of this due to the rest of the world being dangerous, uneducated peasants; and that no-one wants to see them in their local, newly gentrified 'spoons.

Happily, the two days of unimpeded binge drinking, late licensing coincide with England and Wales first games at the European Football Championships.

Welsh(and English) drinker, Glyn Roberts said that he was probably going to get 'banjaxed' in the pub those nights anyway and it will be a sweet relief to stave off the nagging wife for an extra couple of hours! He added "I've always liked that old bird, the Queen, is it? she brings lots of extra tax money to the UK people without which she wouldn't be able to afford the crowns and gowns that keep the yanks spending money here!" and he was last seen staggering off into the night with a bottle of Buckfast under his arm.


Gammon face also announced a whole bunch of street parties over that weekend too as he was certain the whole nation would want to thank him for his malevolence, benevolence over the past few years and the Queen would indeed be warmed-up and wheeled out of Buck House just for these occasions so that her humble subjects could take selfies with her.

Lots of late opening licenses have been granted in the last few years because the older the Queen gets the more things she has to celebrate, like waking up in the morning. She was heard mumbling something about having to wake up next to Phillip every day as she shuffled away in her nightie and slippers for an 11am nap.

Ham-face also added that The Scottish and Northern Irish didn't get licensing extensions because they're all bingeing pikeys anyway and what was the point in making their drinking habits legal for just two nights of the year.

Tuesday 22 March 2016

Beery McBeerInMaFace

In the light of the utter success of letting the idiots on the internet name a $287m polar research vessel, Boaty McBoatface, faux-anarchic crafty brewery, Brewdog have decided that instead of suing the internet for stealing their ideas, they would let the trolls that follow them on said internet name not just the next beer but all their subsequent beers; one of the skinny jean, ironic Ramones t-shirt, Flip-flop & Trilby wearing precious little bastards came up with Beery McBeerInMaFace and managed to crash twitter again ruining the day for the rest of us.

Admiral James Watt, as you now have to call him, decided this at a super-secret shareholders meeting because it was easier than having to decide which way round his new admirals tricorn was supposed to go.
It was the only thing on the super-secret meetings agenda and The Admiral went back to strolling around the brewery with one arm in his plaid shirt, barking orders at the poor buggers that work for him.

The first Beery McBeerInMaFace will not be available in their native Scotland because despite having 8 bars and a brewery tap, no fucker drinks Brewdog beers up there. The Admiral is also hoping that having Mc in the name might inspire some Scottish pride about having such a cool brewery north of the border but wasn't reported to be holding his breath.

In another utterly craft move the brewery said it wasn't even going to brew a new beer for Beery McBeerInMaFace but it was instead, just going to rename the preposterously awful, International Arms Race as it still had loads of mouldy Keykegs just lying around the brewery. The interwebs applauded such blue sky and environmentally-conscious thinking and went back to picking the fluff out of it's belly button.

Brewdog's other Admiral had no further comment to add other than...

When asked by this reporter which way round he'd decided to put his Admirals Tricorn, Admiral Watt replied that it was more 'punk' to just wear it at a jaunty angle.

Authors note : You can buy your very own Admirals Tricorn from any good party store!

Thursday 17 March 2016

UK Beer Blagging Hits New Low

Reports out of the UK today suggest that the UK beer blagging scene is at an all time low with Old Blaggers clearly running out of steam. This is despite the amount of beer to be blagged in the UK having risen a million fold in the last five minutes.

According to this blaggers sources, all the old blaggers are now far too busy using super-instantly gratifying social media such as Twitter or writing books such as The True History of London Murky or The Definition of Devious Beer, to bother with good old fashioned blagging. Indeed the circle of jerks seems to have been well and truly broken.
Beer, worth a blag!

Historical beer blagger, Marty Cornbeef moaned in his latest 15,000 word post that his blagging site was now just a forum for arguing about which colour of London murky came first and that he'd much rather write another book about it than have to answer any more of the argumentative keyboard warriors in his comments section! Of course the Guild of Beer Blaggers gave him another award for the post and told him to keep up the good work!

Even young beer blaggers, Marky & Sparky agreed that they were now part of the establishment but that everything was still just about awesome and but that they couldn't comment any further for want of upsetting the people that now paid their wages. They went back to running about on the Bermondsey mile and eventually had to be called back for tea by their parents.
The Guild of Beer Blaggers gave them doggy treats and rubbed their bellies as a reward for playing nice with other blaggers.

Girlfriend and Boyfriend blaggers, Barf & Baldy rounded off our interviews with the good news that with so many new breweries to blag from there were bound to be new blaggers popping up everywhere; indeed they mentioned a couple of pop-up blaggers based somewhere in East London who were so super-secretive about their identities and had to wear sunglasses and baseball caps whilst blagging! 
The Guild of Beer Blaggers told them that they'd look into these new blaggers as potential new members of the guild and awarded them the Golden Beer Blagging tankard and a 10% discount on their membership subs for services to the industry. 

Tuesday 15 March 2016

Battle of the Hops

How'sit, Capetonians?! - I'm picking up the lingo finally!

Not simply content to brew amazing beers all year round, this Thursday a battle royale will begin between two of Cape Town's best independent breweries, Aegir Project and Devils Peak! 

Sponsored by my pals at Simply Hops who were also on hand to watch over the brews, the two breweries are facing off at Beerhouse and Banana Jam with an IPA each made with different hops.

All you guys have to do is get down to the bars before the taps run dry! They'll be marked A or B and you'll be given a voting form with which to mark down your favourite; once you've completed it hand it back to your server and wait with your beerily baited breath for the winner! 
The taps will be relabelled when the winner is chosen and you'll be able to order as much as you want from either tap knowing where it's come from. Please enjoy responsibly and all that Jazz. 
Apparently if you leave your details on the voting form you'll be in with a chance of winning a mixed case of beer from the breweries involved too so make sure you fill that bit in!

This one really excites me as these are my two favourite Cape Town breweries and although i couldn't make the Devils Peak brew day due to looking and feeling like an extra from the walking dead, i did manage to drag my flabby arse to Aegir Project and hang out there whilst the important people brewed! Thanks to Rory and Phil for the invite!

This is one of a few exciting Cape Town beer events this week so keep your eyes peeled for Battle of the Taps also at Beerhouse (Friday) and the South Yeasters event at SAB Newlands on Sunday! I have to say it's really lekker (see what i did there - lingo) to be able to be around another beer scene as it explodes, London was fun in the late naughties and Cape Town is going to be a riot in the terrible teens!

As an aside, it's also Paddy's day on Thursday and apparently the excitable Hop Heads at Beerhouse will be handing out prizes for people dressed in green! Don't feel like you have to though, my sarcasm level will be Jedi.