Wednesday 27 April 2016

World Beer Cup An Actual Thing Insist Professional Alcoholics!

Hundreds of brewers and beer professionals are insisting to their partners that the World Beer Cup is an actual, real event and not just an excuse to go to the USA and get hammered.

Kylo Ren of Spoon and Beer Brewery in New Zealand has spent literally days trying to convince his wife that he's not on a weeks jolly but will actually be hard at work 'judging' beers because it's very serious business and he's very important like that. He even had to go on telly in NZ to explain just how important he was in the beer world!
Kylo Ren : Brewing very serious business.
Kylo's wife looked at him unbelieving and rolled her eyes saying 'alright then, you can go and play with the other boys'.
'Not playing. Working!' insisted Kylo, turning a shade of crimson knowing that his family had seen right through him!

Professional Offendotron, Meredith Coal will also be judging at the WBC and took to Twatter to explain why. 'The men cannot be seen to be having all the fun and i just won't let them!' Then she went back to ruining Bacon dishes with Asparagus and taking duck face selfies on Instagrot. Her husband wasn't allowed to be available for comment.

Organisers of the WBC have defended the brewers and professional drunks that are attending the competition saying on the WBC website...

Evaluating beer happens on so many levels. You have the professionals who can drink in their sleep; then there are the blaggers who like to pretend they know what they're talking about and finally you have the weaklings who have to lie down and have beer poured over them in order for them to keep drinking all day long.
The results are public so everyone can see which of these industry professionals are lightweights and which are hardcore boozehounds. Last man standing wins. 
When professional alcoholics acknowledge other professional alcoholics the public can be sure that the beer they are drinking is made by someone who can handle their drink and not some fly-by-night city boy with a new toy brewery!

No one at the WBC could confirm whether or not influential, king beer blagger, Pedro Brune would be available to judge this year as they are still looking for him under a mountain of beer cans; sightings have been rare recently but there have been rumours that one of his dizzying array of dodgy mid-life shirts was recently spotted in Belgium. The search continues as there ain't no party like a Pedro Brune party.

When asked if half-witted beer blagger, Rancidbarfly would be involved to make up the special needs judges quota, the organisers were quick to answer, Who the fuck is Rancidbarfly and why haven't we heard of him before?

Friday 22 April 2016

Celebrity Beer Blaggers Fear for Their Lives

With celebrity deaths mounting up in 2016 there are fears amongst members of the Guild of Beer Blaggers that they might be next!
With the likes of mega celebs, David Bowie and Prince Hashtag or whatever his name was at the point, popping their clogs the more famous and outspoken members of the Guild of Beer Blaggers are hoping that George Reapy Reaper Martin doesn't realise that they have become minor beer celebrities for fear he might write them out of history!

King beer blagger, Pete Brown has even resorted to writing about cider and crowdfunding his books in an attempt to be less influential and famous, he has almost entirely stopped ranting on about crafty beer or the price of it on his beer blag too claiming that he's been 'just too busy but not really writing'. George Reapy Reaper Martin smugly chuckled to himself as he sharpened his scythe in the corner of the room.
Father of Beer Blagging, Michael Jackson.

Feminist beer blagger, Melissa Cole was seen launching the latest of her beery aberrations at London's crafty beer dungeon, The Rake has even given it a sexist name in an attempt to stay on the right side of literatures most famous killer; 'Look, the old boys need to have some fun, i'm just not really looking to get into an argument right now' George Reapy Reaper Martin was seen to be holding up the head of Michael Jackson, known to be the father of beer blagging and was quoting as saying 'It's fine love, your turn will come. Just go back to cooking or cleaning, i've been doing this for years!'. The plus side, for Melissa anyway was that her latest beer Collaboration, named Two Lumps of Coal wasn't wildly acclaimed in beer circles because she had decided to do something revolutionary for it and only use Water, Malt, Hops & Yeast in her latest beer.

Recently reaped beer maven, Glenn Payne whilst haunting the corner of The Rake was seen sliding a tenner over the wobbly table to George Reapy Reaper Martin saying, come on Georgie, I've got no fucker to drink with up here! To which the Reaper answered, i'll want more than that, old bean or i'll send you that asshole, Rupert Murdoch.

Sunday 17 April 2016

Hop Shortage Signals Hipster End of Days

Crafty brewers are being blamed for the global hop shortage and hundreds of hipsters, as predicted on this very beer blag, are starting to rub their moisturised hands together at the thought of becoming 'hopsters' instead!
Bertie Beardwax releases his hops into the wild.

One such 'Hopster', Bertie Beardwax said of the new term "Hopster is just such a homogenised term already, we prefer the term 'Artisinal Farmers' that way we can grow what ever the fuck we want and call it hops! Hopster is just so just so confining, it's actually quite derogatory!"

Berties friend, Ivan "inverted commas" Terribleax agreed with his pal saying "Yeah it's like offensive, man, i'm like, growing weeds as well to like, er..sell n'stuff, weeds are the next big thing, man, you can even, like, er...smoke them so we're like er..expanding new markets as well as our minds"


Apparently these Hopsters have all applied for allotments all over our fair capital in which to grow their 'hops' and some of them even have massive ideas for expansion too, people such as our friend, Bertie who told us he was going to expand into a railway arch in Camden which used to have a brewery in it before the brewer sold out to mega craft beer factory ABInbev. When asked about hops needing sunlight, Bertie replied "It's ok, my skin doesn't need sunlight so we're going to take that same principal into growing hops and weeds" 
BB as he likes to be called also has plans to increase the hop population of the world by also growing actual hops and then releasing them into the wild so they can multiply naturally and babbled on "it's amazing to think i'm single handedly saving the world hop population".

One of ABInbevs lawyers was dispatched to comment by automated message had the following to say..."Whilst we welcome more Artisinal Farmers popping up in railway arches, we have no need for them as we don't actually use hops in any of our beers anyway". Automated Lawyer #381 wasn't programmed to answer any questions so it was shut down until it was needed to bully a small brewer about the name of their beer being nothing like any of ABInbevs.

We're not holding our breath on Bertie Beardwax's plan but he's quietly 'hopful' of success. Yes we see what you did there, Bertie.

Sunday 10 April 2016

Fond Farewells

And so it is, the adventure ends tonight when i board a plane with an hour and five minutes left on my visa.
I'm leaving behind some good friends and i'm taking with me memories which will last me a lifetime.

What i'm also leaving behind is a vibrant, growing beer scene that whilst it is still in it's infancy it's as bold as a child testing it's parents patience for the first time.
It's been truly hard work!

As with other beer cities around the globe, Cape Town is so often overshadowed by the uninformed and often only choice of SAB in the guise of Castle Lager and it's various, hideous variants; but there is an almost tangible pulse about the beer scene here now. For the second time in my life i have had the privilege of being in a city just as it's beer scene starts to explode.
Cape Town now boasts some truly world class breweries in the forms of Aegir Project, Cape Brewing Co, Devils Peak Brew Co, Jack Black, Woodstock and Riot Beer.
Of course with world class breweries you need great outlets to sell the beer to and you don't get much better than Beerhouse on Long Street, overseen by Murray Slater(formerly of Clapham Junction's, Powderkeg Diplomacy) and his band of merry beer navigators. With it's regularly changing guest taps and knowledgable staff it's at the forefront of educating people in Cape Town about the beers they drink.
Cape Town is all about eating and drinking and so it's great to see so many restaurants getting on board this early in the beer explosion with their beer offers too; even if it's only one or two beers, the intent is very much there.
With any good crafty beer explosion nowadays you have to have a proliferation of crafty canned beer and Cape Town is no different with the likes of Cape Brewing Co and Devils Peak starting to produce in cans too; when the other brewers realise it's far better than bottling when done well it'll really take off!
Now for the advice bit, Cape Brewers...
Firstly don't think of yourselves as 'pushing the envelope', set fire to that motherfucker and watch the mainstream brewers burn with jealousy! Only by doing this will your customers tastes develop as they should!
Secondly, brew some sours!! Or at the very least Berliner Weiss's, the climate is perfect for them and your customers will learn to love them as much as this sour-starved blagger!

Now on a more personal note there are a few people here that i'd like to mention as they have helped keep me sane and shown me some of the better brews here!
Matt Hurst, a nicer bloke you could not hope to find anywhere and frankly he's a fucking great home brewer! His Black IPA won a home brewing competition and was brewed at Devils Peak, it's amazing and you have to try it! You can follow him on Twitter as @BeerclubSA.
Murray Slater, already mentioned but always a legend, i didn't really know him when he was running PKD but i'm glad i found the time to here! He's on the twitter too as @Murray_Slater.
Rory, Carey and of course Aegir the dog at Aegir Project, they're brewing fantastic beers and have plans for the future which should really shake up the beer scene here! @Aegir_Project
Mark Mohr now at Woodstock Brewery, a man who whilst knowledgeable is still looking to learn about the business and totes nice chap to boot! On twitter as @MarkWMohr.
Mark and David at Riot Beer, i wish i'd been able to get to know you better but your beers are fantastic and i look forward to seeing how they travel!
Wayne, stay lekker you hairy bugger, everyone else can follow him as @Wayne_cpt on that twitter!
At the signal bar in the Cape Grace hotel, somewhere we found ourselves a lot there is one man who must be mentioned. Some say he can make a Gin & Tonic by simply making the spirit fingers, others say he is merely an urban legend created when Lord Lucan disappeared, all i know is he's called The Stig! wait that's wrong. It's Mangena, he is softly spoken, always calm, always polite and he optimises everything that a bartender should be. There just aren't enough of his kind behind bars anymore!
If i missed anyone out i apologise but i'm going to stop now before this turns into a cheesy oscar-like speech. Stay Lekker, Cape Town.

Wednesday 6 April 2016

Beer Blagger to Return Home For Cape Town's Sanity

Sub par beer blagger Rancidbarfly is to return home to the UK for the sake of the sanity of all in Cape Town.
Beer blagger and all round blithering caffeine addict.

The caffeine mainlining halfwit has become far too dependant on the likes of Origin coffee and Aegir Project Pale Uil; Aegir the dog breathed an enormous sigh of relief and was quoted as saying I was starting to think that fool was going to drink us out of Pale Uil, how are we supposed to turn Cape Town crafty when he's drinking all of it! And his appetite for talking absolute nonsense to the locals has become stuff of legend! Everyone else exclaimed fuck me a talking dog!

The staff at Origin coffee shop on Hudson St were equally relieved to see the back of the idiot Womble too, their shoulders visibly relaxed as they discussed their guests caffeine guzzling habits. Thank the lord he's going, i mean, we're going to miss the hundreds of Rand a week he spent here but no human being should be able to hover home two inches off the ground because of caffeine abuse, it's just not natural! Another one of the staff continued and those eyes, crazed like he was on crack or something we've never seen anything like it!

The British Guild of Beer Blaggers was said to be shocked that one of their own was being sent home in such disgrace, Chief Beer Blagger, Timmy Hopstar shook his head sadly as he was quoted as saying Rancidbarfly has always been a bit of an idiot but this is just embarrassing, as a result of this debacle we're thinking about barring all computer blaggers from the guild!

Rancidbarfly was said to be inconsolable at having to return home to grey skies and the crafty beer politics of London and was not looking forward to having to recuperate in sub standard coffee houses or mainstream bars although he was quoted as saying, if you find me in a Costa Coffee or a Brewdog bar just put me out of everyone's misery!

Tuesday 5 April 2016

Zombie Apocalypse On Hold

Last night's dramatic zombie apocalypse had to be put on hold as beer lovers everywhere continued to whinge debate about which direction CAMRA should go in.
CAMRA members arriving for AGM

All the normal people in the world waited with baited breath to find out which of their beloved The Walking Dead(TWD) characters would be battered to death by Lucille (Negan's bat, not this blog author's wife); instead what they had to put up with was a cliffhanger which left many fans angry and unfulfilled much like their CAMRA counterparts.

As they logged back onto the internet to vent their spleens at the show's producers the angry TWD fans saw nothing but some whingeing Brits still carping on about saving pubs or fake crafty beer being better than real ale or some such other nonsense.

What is this? TWD fans protested!? We just watched you people on the telly getting battered, shot and hacked to death! CAMRA members just looked at each other and nodded smugly before responding We will always be here to moan about fake crafty beer and real ale; There are no other circles to go in but here's a questionnaire to fill in about where YOU think we should go in the next episode of CAMRA.

If you haven't been commenting on either 'exciting' storyline, ask yourself what you have been doing that's so very important that you couldn't spare the time to wade in with your own opinions?

As a protest, this blog author will not engage in any CAMRA directional debates or snarking until the new season of TWD starts and we find out that CAMRA have defined crafty beer and taken it as their own expression of true beer nirvana.*

*This might be a big fat lie.

Saturday 2 April 2016

Craft Beer to be Renamed New Tooth Fairy

The Campaign Fo' Real Ale (CAMRA) was yesterday caught up in the middle of a journalistic shit-storm which had even bungling whinger, Charlie Stayt at a total loss for words.
Having been invited to explain a possible new direction for CAMRA, founding member Mikey 'Hitman' Hardcase managed to debunk the whole crafty beer myth that has been circulating for the last 30 years.
The Campaign Fo' Real Ale
When asked about crafty beer, Hardcase merely stated 'listen Stayt, you slaaag, crafty beer don't fucking exist, right! And any fucker that sez it does is gonna get a kicking!
The BBC's phone lines were instantly silent as absolutely nobody gave any fucks about what this old codger was actually saying although a couple of hipsters fainted and had to be revived by someone wafting bath salts under their noses with their Tiller hats.
Stayt's co-presenter, Naga Chilli* somewhat perplexed by the outburst asked Hardcase 'so what is crafty beer then?' this seemed to only enrage the old man further and he went ranting on about keg beer, good honest beer and luscious beer all in the same sentence. CAMRA officials all over the country tried to silence Hardcase by turning their TV's to mute but the old man just kept talking.
Charlie Stayt saved their blushes by ending the interview with a well timed snort of derision and the world got on with it's business as if nothing had happened.

The two hipsters that fainted were reported to be recovering with Jasmin tea's in a local book/coffee emporium.

*authors note : too fucking easy.

Friday 1 April 2016

Brewdog Buy Homebrewers Club

Crafty brewers, Brewdog have signalled their intent for global crafty beer domination by buying a local home brewing club, If It Aint Cloudy Don't Drink It(IIACDDI) for a reported £5 and a packet of frazzles.
Martin Dickie, Brewdog....oops.
The IIACDDI were surprised to hear from Admiral Watt as they admitted to their club being a hobby because they were just 'not very good' and they would have thought that Brewdog would have been more interested in professional home brewers Kernel or Partizan both now famous on the Bermondsey beer crawl.
Admiral Watt has defended his company's actions and was quoted as saying 'we're so fucking craft right now' whilst flicking out gang signs and trying to perfect Blue Steel on Brewdog TV which was later found to be just his bathroom mirror. When asked to expand on the actual story of buying a home brewers club he merely boarded a dinghy and raced out into the North Sea shouting orders at the wind.
When asked if the buyout would affect the styles and traditions of the home brewing club an IIACDDI representative, Mikey McRoughStuff replied 'not at all, this partnership is in the best interests of crafty beer all over the world and we're delighted to be working alongside Brewdog'.

The other owner of Brewdog who wishes to remain anonymous replied to this saying 'The IIACDDI are basically us 10 years ago just without the fucking talent, someone has to teach these cunts to brew!' and he was last seen stripping naked and running off into the hills where he is reported to live in a hollowed out tree stump and using twigs as rollers for his beard.

Associated press were left gathered around drinking samples of what they hoped were brews from the IIACDDI but nervously tipped them away realising it was actually International Arms Race and left shortly afterwards.