Tuesday, 26 December 2017

The Aspirational Lambics 2017

Warning, this contains foul language, a sense of irony and a misplaced regard of my own self importance. If you're easily triggered you probably shouldn't read this...

I warned you.

Seriously.

So i've only written (published) one post this year, partly because i write utter garbage and i'm bored of it now. But enough naval gazing lets have a brief look at what happened this year before i get to the awards bit, i know, you're literally itching to read them, but that might just be your newfound allergy to hops.

A bunch of people tried 'buying back' craft beer. Whatever helps you sleep at night. I find supporting your local brewery works just as well. Talking of supporting your local brewery, i joined then left mine, shit happens.

Price of a pint argument happened (AGAIN) in August and still gets talked about today, yawn-the-fuck off please, it's really fucking boring now.

Feminism in beer happened too apparently. Who'd have thought the beer industry would think about catching up so soon after ladies got the vote!

Brewery takeovers kept happening to absolutely no-one's surprise; to everyone's surprise though Carlsberg decided to bail-out Julio Utter-Bastard by buying his brewery, the best brewery buyout ever, probably.

Tiny Rebel brewery decided to fork out 31k to put their logo at the back of their cans of Cwtch Welsh Red Ale, taking pity on the thick bastards who can't read good and get easily confused by beer in a beer aisle.

So now to the awards; fake table drum roll please....

Craft Brewery Sell-Out of the Year : Wicked Weed, we all know they're just spending those new found millions on 'actual' weed now; who wouldn't?

The Secret Guild of Beer Writers Loan of Pete Brown's Golden Tankard went to, Adrian Tierney-Jones. Remember to give it back, old chap.

Beer Style of the Year : Anything with Flour in the recipe, because flour = juicy!

The Opening Your Mouth Just to Change Feet, award goes to everyone's favourite Journalist du jour, James Beeson.

Best Bullshit in 140 280 Characters : I would have gone for the obvious which is the @pilotbeeruk twitter account because everyone has but apparently they sold their twitter account to AB InBev so, fuck 'em. Instead I've given this award to NO-ONE! UP YOUR FUCKING GAME, TWITTER!

The Most Trump-Like Beer Occurrence of 2017 : Something about 'taking craft back'. Was it made badly? Do you need a refund? What does craft even mean anyway??

Is It Beer & Food Matching If We Put Food IN Our Beer? : Buxton Brewery, take a bow for sticking pecan crumble & toasted marshmallows in your Texas Pecan Ice Cream at IMBC.

Best Bottle Label Collector : Glen Balls
Best Keg Badge Collector : Glen Wright
Best Cask Badge Collector : Glen Garry - ok ok, he hasn't tried this alias yet but give him time, he's special.

If You Live Long Enough You'll See Craft Trends Re-Occurring : Black IPA's, innit.

I'm So Cool It Fucking Hurts Award : The stupid child (sorry, 20 something 'little person') at Brasserie de la Senne who said Cantillon were 'overrated'. I don't know your name but you're a bit of an idiot.

Serve Me That Fucking Beer Again, I Fucking Dare You : That cloudy pint of sarsons-esque Sambrooks Wandle at the Rose & Crown, Tooting. And please don't ever tell me it's supposed to be cloudy...idiot.

I've Ignored CAMRA AND Brewdog, Shall I Give Them An Award? : Nope.

There you have it, the most disappointing awards in the history of disappointing awards. Remember, if you want one of them i do sell these awards too now that i'm self employed, just don't expect an invoice!



2 comments:

Professor Pie-Tin said...

Well at least you didn't mention Brexit.
Happy New Year old chap.

Unknown said...

Happy New Year, Buddy! Have a great 2018! Gx