Saturday, 24 December 2016

The Aspirational Lambic Awards 2016

Having been reminded by the populist blogosphere that no one really gives a shit anymore i'm reverting back to type this year with the under appreciated and ever ignored Aspirational Lambics; awards so shit that no-one will want to get involved.
So if there are any hardy souls out there that still read this garbage i'm sure there won't be afterwards!

This year was particularly difficult because unlike the real fucking world where 2016 has been a car-crash, hardly anything shit happened in the beer world save the geeks here and there being total joyless fuck-nuggets; so without further ado, here are the awards for 2016.

The Lord Lucan award for best disappearing act of 2016 goes to : My soul. I grew a beard and worked in the beer industry this year, i am damned.

Best Bullshit in 140 characters : it's got pictures so @beerdoodles is top of the tree. Follow him or i'll send the boys round.

Dullest beer style : Cloudy; kind of bored of drinking pond water right now but goddamn it taste so good!

How many mega beer companies do we have to buy before we're craft : AB InBev again of course!! They finally managed to swallow SAB Miller this year but not without spitting out the chewy bits like Meantime.

Somehow managed to stay out of jail award : hate him or loathe him Julio Utter-Bastard somehow remains a free man which let's be brutally honest is a fucking surprise to us all!

The 'But I never win anything award' for winning awards : He's reached Doyen status now, partly because he's older than me and partly because he's too much of a fucking legend, yes you guessed it, Pete Brown.

The UKIP award for best beer Nazi : they're not beer nazis they're "Alt-Bier" and they're anyone with badge-wankery joy this year. Untappd users, take a bow!

The Dinosaur award for not really knowing what they're doing and mostly smelling of piss : CAMRA.

I'd rather have a Carling :  Than anything by Poppy Fields brewery.

The Donald Trump Award for spouting mostly horseshit this year : Donald Fucking Trump of course! This vitriol isn't just for beer people you know! - What a class-A Wanker he is.

If you make me drink that shit again i'll decapitate you : Guinness Dublin Porter. Gopping shit.

Thanks 2016, i'm looking forward to 2017 and the bullshit you're all going to be surprised about... **Spoiler alert** - shit's only going to get messier!

1 comment:

Vassant Palwankar.Indian leg spinner at your service. said...

I often wonder if there's some sort of unwritten beer bloggers rule about this annual Golden Pints nonsense.
Who will be the first out of the traps to whinny to their fellow bum-sniffers about which obscure sour saison triple-hopped hint of dingleberry bottle costing 11 quid they drank while on a pilgrimage 'oop north to Sheffield.
And now it's all about beer fatigue.How they can't possibly write another 150 words of drivel about some obscure product of a glorified homebrew operation on an industrial estate somewhere in the East End of London that everyone else in the hop fart-filled echo chamber is chuntering on about.
No-one ever seems to get pissed in the blogosphere in case they're unable to write juicy bon mots and withering put downs in their damp notebooks to be retrieved first thing next morning and transcribed faithfully into their blog during their lunchbreak from whatever public sector dead-end job they're dying a slow death in.
And no-one seems to pull,either.You know - I went out for a few early evening scoops and next thing you know I'd spent the night horsing one into a supply teacher from Nottingham before waking up in a skip cuddling a traffic bollard.Epic night.
I quite like that Stonch fellow though.Quantity not quality seems to be his modus operandi and I can't say I blame him.
Anyway,keep up the good work.
And wash your mouth out you naughty boy.