How to Survive GBBF

If you're lucky enough to be going to GBBF for the first time this year here are a few handy hints to make sure you make the most of the worlds biggest flat beer festival...

Hilarious attire. All the RAGE!

1. Bring a fuck-tonne of cash; this flat beer doesn't pay for itself y'know and it's mostly crafty now so it ain't cheap!

2. If you're usually a bit of a dick to bar staff remember that old man piss tastes way better than young persons piss and enjoy that alcohol-riddled sting on the way down...

3. Make sure your stomach is lined no-one likes to see lightweights passing out mid-afternoon, you'll just make the place look messy.

4. Head straight of the Foreign Muck bar before all the fucking geeks get the 'good' beer! It'll be twice the fucking price but remember, it's crafty!

5. Remember that it's a marathon not a sprint; you don't have to drink in pints all the time, even the halves are over poured by the amateur staff so you get a bit (not much, mind) of value for money.

6. Tactical chunder; do this in the toilet please, if you throw up in the main hall it'll only lead to others wanting to vomit too and I'm wearing new trainers this year!

7. Don't bother reading the program, you're only wasting valuable drinking time.

8. Cider bar. It's feral, just don't.

9. Do NOT engage beer geeks in conversation; we're here for the beer, not to listen to you whine about how flavoursome you think Greene King IPA is.

10. If you must go and get one of your various copies of CAMRA books signed by an author remember they're writers and not used to talking to actual people so try not to spook them.

11. Make sure you are correctly attired, beer-pun t-shirts are all the rage nowadays.

12. If you're going with your mates, remember that sniggering at beers called 'Rat Arsed Boobie Fiddler' is 'well funny' so maybe make a competition of it and see how many other fucking terrible hilariously titled beers you can find! Keep it to yourselves though, you don't want everyone to steal your idea!

So there you have it, you're welcome! If you need any more help, don't ask me i'll only be drunk.