The Lockdown Chronicles #2

Let's try "Dry Covid" - Lockdown is the time to kick our nations alcohol habit for good!

A lazy picture of shitty mass-produced beer.

Writing an opinion piece in The Independent, which had a lazy picture with shitty mass-produced beers in it, Ian McDonald suggested that alcohol was a luxury and everyone apart from alcoholics should give it up during the Coronavirus lockdown.
His argument that off-licenses should not be classed as essential services really got the British people rallying together in a way that not even a Tory government can!

Of course the beer Twitter community were completely on board with this and comments started flooding in, as soon as the article was published online.

Our very own Rancidbarfly led the praise with comments like "Get fucked, and when you're done getting fucked, go get fucked some more".

Chairman of the Secret Guild of Beer Writers, Pete Brown replied to the article with "let's not and pretend we did" which seems entirely too reasonable.

Our personal favourite though, was a headline from the Drinks Business "Supermarket sees booze sales rise 22% following on-trade closures" nailed it lads!

Even regular-hateful non-beer-Twitter got involved with comments like "Get in the Sea" or "If you think I'm stuck indoors, homeschooling my kids whilst sober, think again".

Never before has one man been so hated in one day and that's really saying a lot with Piers Morgan and Donald Trump also both still drawing breath. It's almost as if this British "journalist" has never met any other British people before, you want to get out more son, go mingle.


A message from our idiot overseer...
In other news the whole world is staying indoors now, it's "on trend" or something wanky like that so do the world a fucking favour and join in.

The Lockdown Chronicles #1

First came the plague. Then the government made a suggestion that people stop congregating in public areas, which naturally people ignored because fuck it, if they didn't feel ill then dammit if others did.
When the plague didn't miraculously end with these forthright measures laid out by a man with silly hair wearing a clown suit, said man then insisted that people stop going out to public spaces "oh well if you insist...." said the masses as they went about their business.

Soon the supermarkets had been ransacked and people were shouting at each other to stay the fuck

Unbelievably the masses forgot to buy Gin.

indoors and lockdown life was basically the same as normal life; the only difference being people use to have no money because they spent it all on beer and cocaine now they have no money because they spent it all on bog roll and penne.

Idiot beer blagger, Rancidbarfly for once is seeing the positive side of life through the rose tinted specs of self-isolation.
Talking on Twatter earlier today, our hero told of the mercy of not having to actually leave the house any more "I'm really relieved actually, what many people don't realise is that I'm not really a people person" he said sincerely.
When asked if he would miss going into pubs now that they'd been closed he replied "I'll miss telling the wife that I've nearly finished my pint, that was kind of funny, we always laughed when I came home three hours later having pissed myself in the pub, well I did, at least".

Commenting on the panic-buying in supermarkets "I mean I can see why people are buying shed loads of bog roll, they're about to start eating their own cooking again instead of getting ObeseEats deliveries every night.  I'll be ok though, I'm about to start wiping my arse on the neighbours cat".

Twitter Outraged Again.

Twitter has once again confirmed it's the one and only place to vent your vitriolic hate of success again as news that the crafty beer worlds worst kept secret has finally been confirmed today. Popular crafty brewer, Beavertown has sold a minority stake to not-so-crafty or popular mega brewery, Heineken; sparking outrage aimed at the brewery online.

You literally couldn't move for metaphorical pitchforks on Twitter this morning as founding beaver,(FB) Logan Plant announced through the new corporate looking Beavertown website that his company had received £40m worth of investment from Heineken for an undisclosed minority stake so that Beavertown could develop BEAVERWORLD, which is either a brewery experience you won't forget in a hurry or the worlds worst strip joint.

Twitter being Twitter took it as only Twitter could, badly and with the hatred we have all come to know and expect. After all FB had not only sold a stake in his company but had seemingly driven it through the heart of every single crafty beer geek in the world leaving them in some form of vampiric pile of ashes.

Some of the more respectful language being aimed at the brewery was one user saying "Fuck You, Beavertown" and using the hashtag #sellouts. I'd like to publish more comments but this is a fucking family orientated blog and we can't publish that sort of shit here.

Some of the other fall-out to the news has been independent beer shops pulling their Beavertown stock because they're afraid it might taste of Heineken; and breweries pulling out of the annual Beavertown Extravaganza citing absolutely no reasons whatsoever.

The only real shock to this whole affair is the fact that Brewdog took so long to condemn the news and do all the expected Brewdoggy things like take beers off their bar and pull out of BeaverX. 

The only thing left to do now is leave you, fearless reader, with a gratuitous beaver shot.