The Lockdown Chronicles #4

Hundreds of destitute landlords across the uk are calling for the government to not have a #NationalTimeOut on rents for the hospitality industry as they desperately need the money, for like investments and stuff.

With pubs bars and restaurants closed and most breweries only doing very limited capacity during lockdown landlords are still charging full rents on many businesses as they look to profit as much as possible during these trying times.

The rationale that these poor landlords are using is that if people can afford to stock up on loo roll, face masks and rubber gloves then surely these craft beer businesses make more than enough money to pay their rents; after all their customers are drinking more than ever before, so what if they're at home instead of in the pub!

The craft beer industry replied with a collective "SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY!" as it went down the shitter leaving thousands unemployed and the beer industry back in the glorious 1970s.

Now obviously this is just badly written satire but there is a serious issue here; the majority of the hospitality industry is still being charged rent which is in turn putting jobs and livelihoods in jeopardy, this includes clients of mine, favourite pubs, breweries and restaurants of yours so please click on this link and support the #NationalTimeOut initiative.

The Lockdown Chronicles #2

Let's try "Dry Covid" - Lockdown is the time to kick our nations alcohol habit for good!

A lazy picture of shitty mass-produced beer.

Writing an opinion piece in The Independent, which had a lazy picture with shitty mass-produced beers in it, Ian McDonald suggested that alcohol was a luxury and everyone apart from alcoholics should give it up during the Coronavirus lockdown.
His argument that off-licenses should not be classed as essential services really got the British people rallying together in a way that not even a Tory government can!

Of course the beer Twitter community were completely on board with this and comments started flooding in, as soon as the article was published online.

Our very own Rancidbarfly led the praise with comments like "Get fucked, and when you're done getting fucked, go get fucked some more".

Chairman of the Secret Guild of Beer Writers, Pete Brown replied to the article with "let's not and pretend we did" which seems entirely too reasonable.

Our personal favourite though, was a headline from the Drinks Business "Supermarket sees booze sales rise 22% following on-trade closures" nailed it lads!

Even regular-hateful non-beer-Twitter got involved with comments like "Get in the Sea" or "If you think I'm stuck indoors, homeschooling my kids whilst sober, think again".

Never before has one man been so hated in one day and that's really saying a lot with Piers Morgan and Donald Trump also both still drawing breath. It's almost as if this British "journalist" has never met any other British people before, you want to get out more son, go mingle.


A message from our idiot overseer...
In other news the whole world is staying indoors now, it's "on trend" or something wanky like that so do the world a fucking favour and join in.

The Lockdown Chronicles #1

First came the plague. Then the government made a suggestion that people stop congregating in public areas, which naturally people ignored because fuck it, if they didn't feel ill then dammit if others did.
When the plague didn't miraculously end with these forthright measures laid out by a man with silly hair wearing a clown suit, said man then insisted that people stop going out to public spaces "oh well if you insist...." said the masses as they went about their business.

Soon the supermarkets had been ransacked and people were shouting at each other to stay the fuck

Unbelievably the masses forgot to buy Gin.

indoors and lockdown life was basically the same as normal life; the only difference being people use to have no money because they spent it all on beer and cocaine now they have no money because they spent it all on bog roll and penne.

Idiot beer blagger, Rancidbarfly for once is seeing the positive side of life through the rose tinted specs of self-isolation.
Talking on Twatter earlier today, our hero told of the mercy of not having to actually leave the house any more "I'm really relieved actually, what many people don't realise is that I'm not really a people person" he said sincerely.
When asked if he would miss going into pubs now that they'd been closed he replied "I'll miss telling the wife that I've nearly finished my pint, that was kind of funny, we always laughed when I came home three hours later having pissed myself in the pub, well I did, at least".

Commenting on the panic-buying in supermarkets "I mean I can see why people are buying shed loads of bog roll, they're about to start eating their own cooking again instead of getting ObeseEats deliveries every night.  I'll be ok though, I'm about to start wiping my arse on the neighbours cat".

Outrage As Child Labour Soars At Irish Brewery

The craft beer world once again was forced to express it's outrage yesterday. This time at nano Irish brewery, Hopfully Brewing apparently employing a bunch of children to market their beers.

Hopfully Brewing's Lovemaker Pale Ale was the source of the outrage as apparently children are being taught incorrectly about the birds and the bees in Ireland; in this case a mouse in a t-shirt stuck between what we've been informed is a pair of breasts but we're really not sure because we've never seen breasts shaped like that before.

There were so many outraged questions towards the brewery on hate-fuelled social media platform, Twitter yesterday, which were roundly ignored by the brewery.

One tweeter asked most of the questions we wanted to ask "Why do her boobs go like that? Why's he still wearing his shirt? Why are there mice? Why are they employing children to draw their artwork?"
Well, in light of the brewery not responding to these questions we've responded for them; it is of course due to a lack of sex education and a soaring number of unemployed children needing to find jobs as quickly as possible because, well, Brexit.

As a general boycott of this brewery will likely happen on the UK mainland where this brewery's beer isn't widely available another tweeter said "I like knowing that breweries don't want to take our money. It's an interesting business model for sure" We agree, it gives us the warm and fuzzies knowing they're trying to save us money by making sure we'll never buy the beer and at the same time employing needy children.

We can't wait to see twitter's face when it figures out it's a bit fucking derogatory too.