Outrage As Child Labour Soars At Irish Brewery

The craft beer world once again was forced to express it's outrage yesterday. This time at nano Irish brewery, Hopfully Brewing apparently employing a bunch of children to market their beers.

Hopfully Brewing's Lovemaker Pale Ale was the source of the outrage as apparently children are being taught incorrectly about the birds and the bees in Ireland; in this case a mouse in a t-shirt stuck between what we've been informed is a pair of breasts but we're really not sure because we've never seen breasts shaped like that before.

There were so many outraged questions towards the brewery on hate-fuelled social media platform, Twitter yesterday, which were roundly ignored by the brewery.

One tweeter asked most of the questions we wanted to ask "Why do her boobs go like that? Why's he still wearing his shirt? Why are there mice? Why are they employing children to draw their artwork?"
Well, in light of the brewery not responding to these questions we've responded for them; it is of course due to a lack of sex education and a soaring number of unemployed children needing to find jobs as quickly as possible because, well, Brexit.

As a general boycott of this brewery will likely happen on the UK mainland where this brewery's beer isn't widely available another tweeter said "I like knowing that breweries don't want to take our money. It's an interesting business model for sure" We agree, it gives us the warm and fuzzies knowing they're trying to save us money by making sure we'll never buy the beer and at the same time employing needy children.

We can't wait to see twitter's face when it figures out it's a bit fucking derogatory too.

Bar Staff At Your Local Actually Not Your Mate After All

Bar staff at your local crafty beer emporium who have been talking to you as if you were their best
mate all afternoon whilst you drink inappropriately priced crafty brews aren't really your mate at all and are actually found to slag off customers an ex-staff in earshot of paying customers!

Sitting in his local divey craft beer hole, wayward beer blagger Rancidbarfly was found to be having a beer and actually listening to the bar staff who were loudly slagging off ex-colleagues and paying members of the public to their mates behind the bar.

Rather than waste their quiet afternoon behind the bar with menial tasks like cleaning and making it look like a place that mortals want to drink in, the staff of the Snake in the Craft were far more productive and instead spent their afternoon mouthing off about old colleagues and customers.
"That dude Theobold who used to work here, you remember him?" Max asked
"How could i forget, he had a real personal space issue" replied Poppy
"Yeah i think he was on the spectrum" Max replied
"He was on something!" August shouted, cue laughter from all.
"Shit, what about that dude who used to drink in here, what was his name? Big guy used get pissed and buy us all drinks when he was in...?" Poppy snarked with a side-eye to Max
"I just called him the halfwit; to his face though, it was all just jokes" Max responded loudly
"I haven't seen him in ages" Poppy said not noticing the young couple who'd been listening leave.

We asked our beer sodden hero, Rancidbarfly why he drank in here since the staff were such blatant assholes "Why wouldn't I? the beer's nicely overpriced, the staff are totally apathetic about service standards & the toilets are a total shit show, perfect place to drink and look cool at the same time!" We went in search of our own shitty crafty beer dive bar!

Bring Your Brat To Work Day Ends In Glitter Beer

A brewer that thought bringing your kid to work on "snow days" was a great idea to save money on childcare has ended up making a beer with glitter in by accident.

Glitter Beer : Careful of those beards, chaps!

The brewer, Gary had to bring his kid to work last week because snowy weather across the UK closed hundreds of schools, took his eyes off the little darling for couple of minutes thinking that it would be safe to finish cleaning a bit of equipment whilst 6 year old Zanus did a bit of arts and crafts for a school project.

"I was just cleaning some tri-clamps and I took my eyes off of Zanus for a couple of minutes, I mean how much damage can a 6 year old boy do in that time, right?" he asked bewildered.
"I finished cleaning my tri-clamps and was just dry-hopping a beer with 50kg of Fuggles when I noticed that the hops looked less twiggy and more sparkly than normal, my assistant brewer and I didn't have a clue what had gone on until Zanus and I had gotten home and he wanted me to look at the homework he had been doing in the brew house, apparently the cheeky little scamp had dumped a load of glitter into a couple of the open bags of fuggles"
We asked Gary what sort of beer had the glitter in and he replied "It's like an imperial version of Stella with sparkles, we're going to call it IBS"
After this seemingly happy accident we asked Gary if he had plans for any more quirky beers "Most of my beers are quirky to be honest, he said, one beer we make is a brown colour and we only put it into cask! That's cutting-edge-as-fuck nowadays, man!"

GLITTER FROM YOUR SHITTER?

When asked about the potential for customers to start passing glitter in their bowel movements Gary assured us that the glitter would break down in the body and would therefore have little impact on the environment or the nature of the bowel movements.
"You might get the odd sparkly plop here and there but it won't be anything to worry about, if anything those crafty beer numpties will have to worry more about getting the glitter stuck in their beards!"
Finally we asked Gary if he would market this beer specifically to ladies and gays, he looked shocked as he replied "Dude, that's sexist and isn't a sustainable business model, our beer is solely aimed at those craft wanker millennials who are allergic to and get offended by everything".

Giving The Gift Of Beer Actually A Bit Wank This Valentines

Thousands of clueless bastards across the UK will today do a last minute dive into their local craft beer emporiums on their way home in the desperate attempt to find a Valentines Day gift for their loved ones.

But giving the gift of beer is just a bit wank, claimed loved ones everywhere, who still hadn't even bothered to open their bottles of Christmas beer, brought at the last minute instead of something good.

Having not managed to find anything good these clueless fuckwits are gratefully swallowing the bullshit line that the gift of craft beer is better than nothing this Hallmark Day.

Even knowing the look of disappointment on his partner's face, overweight, idiot beer blagger, Rancidbarfly was seen sneaking into his local bottle shop and asking if they had any cans of Carlsberg Special Brew on offer this year but after getting a pitiful look from behind the counter he eventually settled for their recommendation of a homebrew kit.

Good People Who Drink Good Beer Not Really That Good After All

The thousands of craft beer drinkers across the UK who clap each other on the back for being good

people who drink good beer are being found out as really not that good after all.

In these social media savvy days the general public are finding that these good people who drink better beer than they do aren't really that nice after all.

Picture credit : @beerdoodles / @twattybeer

The Good People Who Drink Good Beer Forum on Facebook is constantly turning down people who don't know a beer from AB InBev from a craft beer made from London Fields or Lagunitas, after all it's 2018 why don't the the general public know what craft beer is yet!!

These craft beer nerds constantly call each other good people that drink good beer and are often seen congregating at their local craft beer emporiums for a chance to have a self congratulatory wank over a can of murky hop-trub made by a man with a beard who just cashed out of his hedge-fund job.

Once these good people have sipped the beer it's imperative that they then go on to rate it out of 5 stars because let's face it, only good people know exactly what constitutes a good beer.

You too can know what truly good beer is by following this handy guide to rating a beer.

*  Made by Greene King, ABV InBev, or Brewdog.
**  Cask beer made by a local brewery and not kept very well by their local pub, The Flame Under a Spoon.
***  Made by local brewery and is actually a good beer but it's just not cool enough to score 5 stars.
****  Made by a craft brewery who have been around for more than 5 years and used to be the cool kids.
*****  Made by a brewery who claim to be so small they're limited to making 8 cans of beer per batch and charging the fucking earth for it, or Brewdog.

So if you consider yourself to be a "good person" who drinks "good beer" please remember to join a forum where you can slag people off for having tastebuds and opinions and rate the beers by following my handy rating guide above. You might also want to join other US based websites where you can show yourself to be an international "good person" for everyone to see.

The Aspirational Lambics 2017

Warning, this contains foul language, a sense of irony and a misplaced regard of my own self importance. If you're easily triggered you probably shouldn't read this...

I warned you.

Seriously.

So i've only written (published) one post this year, partly because i write utter garbage and i'm bored of it now. But enough naval gazing lets have a brief look at what happened this year before i get to the awards bit, i know, you're literally itching to read them, but that might just be your newfound allergy to hops.

A bunch of people tried 'buying back' craft beer. Whatever helps you sleep at night. I find supporting your local brewery works just as well. Talking of supporting your local brewery, i joined then left mine, shit happens.

Price of a pint argument happened (AGAIN) in August and still gets talked about today, yawn-the-fuck off please, it's really fucking boring now.

Feminism in beer happened too apparently. Who'd have thought the beer industry would think about catching up so soon after ladies got the vote!

Brewery takeovers kept happening to absolutely no-one's surprise; to everyone's surprise though Carlsberg decided to bail-out Julio Utter-Bastard by buying his brewery, the best brewery buyout ever, probably.

Tiny Rebel brewery decided to fork out 31k to put their logo at the back of their cans of Cwtch Welsh Red Ale, taking pity on the thick bastards who can't read good and get easily confused by beer in a beer aisle.

So now to the awards; fake table drum roll please....

Craft Brewery Sell-Out of the Year : Wicked Weed, we all know they're just spending those new found millions on 'actual' weed now; who wouldn't?

The Secret Guild of Beer Writers Loan of Pete Brown's Golden Tankard went to, Adrian Tierney-Jones. Remember to give it back, old chap.

Beer Style of the Year : Anything with Flour in the recipe, because flour = juicy!

The Opening Your Mouth Just to Change Feet, award goes to everyone's favourite Journalist du jour, James Beeson.

Best Bullshit in 140 280 Characters : I would have gone for the obvious which is the @pilotbeeruk twitter account because everyone has but apparently they sold their twitter account to AB InBev so, fuck 'em. Instead I've given this award to NO-ONE! UP YOUR FUCKING GAME, TWITTER!

The Most Trump-Like Beer Occurrence of 2017 : Something about 'taking craft back'. Was it made badly? Do you need a refund? What does craft even mean anyway??

Is It Beer & Food Matching If We Put Food IN Our Beer? : Buxton Brewery, take a bow for sticking pecan crumble & toasted marshmallows in your Texas Pecan Ice Cream at IMBC.

Best Bottle Label Collector : Glen Balls
Best Keg Badge Collector : Glen Wright
Best Cask Badge Collector : Glen Garry - ok ok, he hasn't tried this alias yet but give him time, he's special.

If You Live Long Enough You'll See Craft Trends Re-Occurring : Black IPA's, innit.

I'm So Cool It Fucking Hurts Award : The stupid child (sorry, 20 something 'little person') at Brasserie de la Senne who said Cantillon were 'overrated'. I don't know your name but you're a bit of an idiot.

Serve Me That Fucking Beer Again, I Fucking Dare You : That cloudy pint of sarsons-esque Sambrooks Wandle at the Rose & Crown, Tooting. And please don't ever tell me it's supposed to be cloudy...idiot.

I've Ignored CAMRA AND Brewdog, Shall I Give Them An Award? : Nope.

There you have it, the most disappointing awards in the history of disappointing awards. Remember, if you want one of them i do sell these awards too now that i'm self employed, just don't expect an invoice!

Carlsberg to Find the Right Craft Beer Accessories!

Danish macro brewer, Carlsberg announced yesterday that they're going to start buying UK craft breweries, in a desperate bid to keep up with mega-piss-producing Anhauser-Busch-InBev-SAB-Whatever and Heineken; but it's only going to buy breweries it can afford.

The UK arm of the Danish beer giant (it's bigger than Mikkeller and Evil Twin combined!) could be ready to acquire a UK Craft brewery later this year or early next year according to it's chief executive Julian Momen in a podcast he only bothered sending to the Publican Morning Advertiser; he just has to check his pocket change first.

He said "What we know is that an international craft brewery are absolutely the must have

Craft beer, this seasons must have accessory!

accessories this season, all the big boys are sporting them now and we need to be seen out wearing the right bling"

Momen continues 'Local craft in the UK is actually growing faster than international craft and it doesn't exist in our portfolio right now so we're looking a bit like a sixteen year old chav from Croydon wearing fake gold teeth".

FINDING THE RIGHT ONE

A whole range of options are being assessed at the moment and whilst the CEO refused to reveal any specific details of which UK craft breweries they're looking at, the likes of Firebrand, Watneys and Julio Utter-Bastard's Poppy Fields were amongst the favourites.

"There are so many breweries to choose from, it's a virtual smorgasbord so it's about finding the right one in the right location as we are only taking our first steps into the craft sector" 

Carlsberg recently acquired the rights to sell Brooklyn in the UK "it really made us sit up and look at what craft beer is, we had no fucking idea!" Momen enthused "getting the rights to Brooklyn made us look all crafty and now we've had a taste we want more!".