Saturday, 3 March 2018

Bring Your Brat To Work Day Ends In Glitter Beer

A brewer that thought bringing your kid to work on "snow days" was a great idea to save money on childcare has ended up making a beer with glitter in by accident.
Glitter Beer : Careful of those beards, chaps!

The brewer, Gary had to bring his kid to work last week because snowy weather across the UK closed hundreds of schools, took his eyes off the little darling for couple of minutes thinking that it would be safe to finish cleaning a bit of equipment whilst 6 year old Zanus did a bit of arts and crafts for a school project.

"I was just cleaning some tri-clamps and I took my eyes off of Zanus for a couple of minutes, I mean how much damage can a 6 year old boy do in that time, right?" he asked bewildered.
"I finished cleaning my tri-clamps and was just dry-hopping a beer with 50kg of Fuggles when I noticed that the hops looked less twiggy and more sparkly than normal, my assistant brewer and I didn't have a clue what had gone on until Zanus and I had gotten home and he wanted me to look at the homework he had been doing in the brew house, apparently the cheeky little scamp had dumped a load of glitter into a couple of the open bags of fuggles"
We asked Gary what sort of beer had the glitter in and he replied "It's like an imperial version of Stella with sparkles, we're going to call it IBS"
After this seemingly happy accident we asked Gary if he had plans for any more quirky beers "Most of my beers are quirky to be honest, he said, one beer we make is a brown colour and we only put it into cask! That's cutting-edge-as-fuck nowadays, man!"


When asked about the potential for customers to start passing glitter in their bowel movements Gary assured us that the glitter would break down in the body and would therefore have little impact on the environment or the nature of the bowel movements.
"You might get the odd sparkly plop here and there but it won't be anything to worry about, if anything those crafty beer numpties will have to worry more about getting the glitter stuck in their beards!"
Finally we asked Gary if he would market this beer specifically to ladies and gays, he looked shocked as he replied "Dude, that's sexist and isn't a sustainable business model, our beer is solely aimed at those craft wanker millennials who are allergic to and get offended by everything".

1 comment:

Glyn Roberts said...

AUTHORS NOTE : The final paragraph of the original posting of this had this line in it.....

"All our beer is "non-binary" and we aim it at those craft wanker millennials who are allergic to and get offended by everything".

It was pointed out to me that this was poking fun at gender so i have therefore changed it, hopefully for the better. Normally i might roll my eyes and shout SATIRE but not on this occasion. I was wrong and for what it's worth, i apologise.
It wasn't my intention to personally offend people about the specifities of their gender and I do apologise for this. This happened because my writing is not thoughtful, considered or edited and will poke fun at almost anything. Whilst my writing style probably won't change i do promise to try harder not personally offend people.