Thursday, 26 May 2016

Mega Beer Manufacturer Eats Another Whole....and Burps.

Eu regulators finally gave in to Mega beer manufacturers AB InBev and allowed them to swallow SAB Miller whole for the measly price of €71bn making AB InBev the new Godzilla of the brewing industry.

Clearance was given with the condition that AB InBev sold nearly all of SAB Millers European based businesses, worth about €71bn.
AB InBev new logo

A faceless spokesman from AB InBev was quoted as saying "seems legit" before letting out a huge SAB flavoured burp.

Brewing Super-villain, Julio Utter-Bastard commented, "i just wish i'd thought of that" before going back to being Taxmans bitch.

Margrethe Vestager, commissioner in charge of competition policy said "this decision will ensure that competition is not weakened in these markets and that EU consumers are not worse off; well, no more worse off than if they'd drunk their own piss anyway".
"Europeans buy around €125bn (£98.8m) worth of beer every year so even a relatively small price increase could cause considerable financial harm to consumers! After all they are already paying over the odds for that crafty stuff, they only reason they drink the fizzy yellow piss is because it's cheap, it would have caused another world wide financial collapse"

Ahead of their AGM to be held in June, the Secret Guild of Beer Blaggers released a statement through one of their most revered members, Aidy Sweary-Pants saying "We, the Guild, would stand behind this takeover only if the quality of the beer isn't affected" he kept talking but in words only understood by an alien race known as the Xtellr (pronounced Crap-O-Beer) so we kinda stopped listening after that.

Average Joe Public looked on bemused and said "as long as i ain't paying that for my fucking beer next week, i'm alright wiv it!"

Life goes on as if nothing has happened.

Wednesday, 11 May 2016

Budweiser Stunt Backfires As Trump Buys America

Producers of fizzy yellow piss, Budweiser have been left red faced as they tried to 'one-up' Donald Trump who has threatened to make America great again, by renaming their 'beer' America. Only to have Donald Trump buy America and by default, Belgium too!
FUCK YEAH!

The script on the can will read America until after the election in November when someone that's not Obama will be in the White House. Donny McTrumpface, as he likes to be known was so impressed by the new branding that he decided to buy it.

Ironically for America Budweiser, the beer, if you can call it that, is actually owned by Belgian Mega-Coroporation AB InBev who own most of Belgium too so as well as buying his way to the Presidency, Trumpton McTrumpyfarce has actually bought himself a small country in Europe too! Sorry Trumpus, no backsies!

There was also shock for the rest of us when Budweiser, now of course owned by SuperTrump decided to translate 'e pluribus unum' which they translated as 'Trumps Penis woz here'. Quite.

They had also planned to put some Woody Guthrie lyrics to This Land is Your Land on the cans but thought better of it knowing that all American land was now actually St Trumpions. Guthrie was unavailable for comment due the dizziness of spinning in his grave and being dead n'all that.




Tuesday, 10 May 2016

Bright Yellow Thing Gone As British Return To Meaningless Lives

The wonder of the bright yellow thing in the sky has vanished now until 2017 and people all over Britain are expected to go about their boring, meaningless lives again.

With this years summer over, pubs are expected to be full of beer and devoid of customers now until the two days of summer in 2017.
Carlsberg don't do weather, but if they did, it'd be as shit as their beer.

Tooting pubs are once again full of the crafty beer which had been so popular when the sun was shining as people were prepared to pay more in their sun-filled happy state of minds! With the bright yellow thing now replaced with grey clouds and endless rain the little people of this small, dingy island will go back to drinking generic lagers brewed by faceless corporate whores and being generally angry the whole fucking time.

Yet even as half-witted beer blagger, Rancidbarfly wept into his pint of coffee and lamented the death of summer he managed to find a small crumb of comfort in the situation, because he's always been a-glass-full kinda guy "at least the crafty beer will be back on tap now and the smelly masses will be too angry about the prices to buy it any more!".

Bless.

Monday, 9 May 2016

Bright Yellow Thing Causes Beer Shortage

Disaster struck in South West London yesterday as a bright yellow ball in the sky caused thousands of people to leave their homes in search of the fabled crafty beer now available in so many newly refurbished, shabby-chic boozers.

Those venturing out in late afternoon on Sunday evening were left devastated at the total lack of crafty beer left in the pubs in Tooting!
Your craft beer 'event' is sold out!

Half-witted beer blagger, Rancidbarfly, himself one of those who left it too late was forced to ponder why pubs were running so low on crafty beer when there was so much bland tasteless shite still to drink!

Surely Tooting hasn't become this gentrified in the seven months I've been away!? Can someone please tell the brain dead masses that crafty beer is for a select few people and not them! With only the likes of Goose Island, Meantime, Lagunitas and Camden Town left on the taps I was forced to drink a flat pint of Trumans rather than a lovely fizzy can of Beavertown which i was really looking forward to!

Real experts were quick to come to all sorts of conclusions as to why the crafty beer had run out claiming that pubs just aren't used to ordering so much crafty beer or even that the breweries themselves can't cope with the sheer scale of orders when the sun comes out twice a year! Others speculated that with all these new 'celebrity brewers' spending all their time out of their breweries pretending to be cool and going to made-up 'conferences', they simply weren't spending enough time brewing beer!

A brewer who wished to remain nameless angrily replied to questions on the lack of availability of his beer "Listen, we simply don't want the capacity to keep up with the likes of Meantime, Camden Town or their 'partners' because our beer is a fucking event, man and it's going to remain such!

Wednesday, 27 April 2016

World Beer Cup An Actual Thing Insist Professional Alcoholics!

Hundreds of brewers and beer professionals are insisting to their partners that the World Beer Cup is an actual, real event and not just an excuse to go to the USA and get hammered.

Kylo Ren of Spoon and Beer Brewery in New Zealand has spent literally days trying to convince his wife that he's not on a weeks jolly but will actually be hard at work 'judging' beers because it's very serious business and he's very important like that. He even had to go on telly in NZ to explain just how important he was in the beer world!
Kylo Ren : Brewing very serious business.
Kylo's wife looked at him unbelieving and rolled her eyes saying 'alright then, you can go and play with the other boys'.
'Not playing. Working!' insisted Kylo, turning a shade of crimson knowing that his family had seen right through him!

Professional Offendotron, Meredith Coal will also be judging at the WBC and took to Twatter to explain why. 'The men cannot be seen to be having all the fun and i just won't let them!' Then she went back to ruining Bacon dishes with Asparagus and taking duck face selfies on Instagrot. Her husband wasn't allowed to be available for comment.

Organisers of the WBC have defended the brewers and professional drunks that are attending the competition saying on the WBC website...

Evaluating beer happens on so many levels. You have the professionals who can drink in their sleep; then there are the blaggers who like to pretend they know what they're talking about and finally you have the weaklings who have to lie down and have beer poured over them in order for them to keep drinking all day long.
The results are public so everyone can see which of these industry professionals are lightweights and which are hardcore boozehounds. Last man standing wins. 
When professional alcoholics acknowledge other professional alcoholics the public can be sure that the beer they are drinking is made by someone who can handle their drink and not some fly-by-night city boy with a new toy brewery!

No one at the WBC could confirm whether or not influential, king beer blagger, Pedro Brune would be available to judge this year as they are still looking for him under a mountain of beer cans; sightings have been rare recently but there have been rumours that one of his dizzying array of dodgy mid-life shirts was recently spotted in Belgium. The search continues as there ain't no party like a Pedro Brune party.

When asked if half-witted beer blagger, Rancidbarfly would be involved to make up the special needs judges quota, the organisers were quick to answer, Who the fuck is Rancidbarfly and why haven't we heard of him before?

Friday, 22 April 2016

Celebrity Beer Blaggers Fear for Their Lives

With celebrity deaths mounting up in 2016 there are fears amongst members of the Guild of Beer Blaggers that they might be next!
With the likes of mega celebs, David Bowie and Prince Hashtag or whatever his name was at the point, popping their clogs the more famous and outspoken members of the Guild of Beer Blaggers are hoping that George Reapy Reaper Martin doesn't realise that they have become minor beer celebrities for fear he might write them out of history!

King beer blagger, Pete Brown has even resorted to writing about cider and crowdfunding his books in an attempt to be less influential and famous, he has almost entirely stopped ranting on about crafty beer or the price of it on his beer blag too claiming that he's been 'just too busy but not really writing'. George Reapy Reaper Martin smugly chuckled to himself as he sharpened his scythe in the corner of the room.
Father of Beer Blagging, Michael Jackson.

Feminist beer blagger, Melissa Cole was seen launching the latest of her beery aberrations at London's crafty beer dungeon, The Rake has even given it a sexist name in an attempt to stay on the right side of literatures most famous killer; 'Look, the old boys need to have some fun, i'm just not really looking to get into an argument right now' George Reapy Reaper Martin was seen to be holding up the head of Michael Jackson, known to be the father of beer blagging and was quoting as saying 'It's fine love, your turn will come. Just go back to cooking or cleaning, i've been doing this for years!'. The plus side, for Melissa anyway was that her latest beer Collaboration, named Two Lumps of Coal wasn't wildly acclaimed in beer circles because she had decided to do something revolutionary for it and only use Water, Malt, Hops & Yeast in her latest beer.

Recently reaped beer maven, Glenn Payne whilst haunting the corner of The Rake was seen sliding a tenner over the wobbly table to George Reapy Reaper Martin saying, come on Georgie, I've got no fucker to drink with up here! To which the Reaper answered, i'll want more than that, old bean or i'll send you that asshole, Rupert Murdoch.

Sunday, 17 April 2016

Hop Shortage Signals Hipster End of Days

Crafty brewers are being blamed for the global hop shortage and hundreds of hipsters, as predicted on this very beer blag, are starting to rub their moisturised hands together at the thought of becoming 'hopsters' instead!
Bertie Beardwax releases his hops into the wild.

One such 'Hopster', Bertie Beardwax said of the new term "Hopster is just such a homogenised term already, we prefer the term 'Artisinal Farmers' that way we can grow what ever the fuck we want and call it hops! Hopster is just so just so confining, it's actually quite derogatory!"

Berties friend, Ivan "inverted commas" Terribleax agreed with his pal saying "Yeah it's like offensive, man, i'm like, growing weeds as well to like, er..sell n'stuff, weeds are the next big thing, man, you can even, like, er...smoke them so we're like er..expanding new markets as well as our minds"

Quite.

Apparently these Hopsters have all applied for allotments all over our fair capital in which to grow their 'hops' and some of them even have massive ideas for expansion too, people such as our friend, Bertie who told us he was going to expand into a railway arch in Camden which used to have a brewery in it before the brewer sold out to mega craft beer factory ABInbev. When asked about hops needing sunlight, Bertie replied "It's ok, my skin doesn't need sunlight so we're going to take that same principal into growing hops and weeds" 
BB as he likes to be called also has plans to increase the hop population of the world by also growing actual hops and then releasing them into the wild so they can multiply naturally and babbled on "it's amazing to think i'm single handedly saving the world hop population".

One of ABInbevs lawyers was dispatched to comment by automated message had the following to say..."Whilst we welcome more Artisinal Farmers popping up in railway arches, we have no need for them as we don't actually use hops in any of our beers anyway". Automated Lawyer #381 wasn't programmed to answer any questions so it was shut down until it was needed to bully a small brewer about the name of their beer being nothing like any of ABInbevs.

We're not holding our breath on Bertie Beardwax's plan but he's quietly 'hopful' of success. Yes we see what you did there, Bertie.