Wednesday, 23 March 2016

Old Lady Turns 90, Nation to Get Hammered.

People all over England and Wales are celebrating today as 'call me Dave' Cameron announced that pub opening hours would be extended on 10th & 11th June to help celebrate the Queens 90th birthday.

Pubs will be allowed to open for a whole two hours extra or until 1am! As the nation looked at him bewildered as to why they were being able to stay open for a whole two hours extra, Cameron, or Ham-face as he likes to be known, added a stipulation that only people from the Commonwealth would be allowed to take advantage of this due to the rest of the world being dangerous, uneducated peasants; and that no-one wants to see them in their local, newly gentrified 'spoons.

Happily, the two days of unimpeded binge drinking, late licensing coincide with England and Wales first games at the European Football Championships.

Welsh(and English) drinker, Glyn Roberts said that he was probably going to get 'banjaxed' in the pub those nights anyway and it will be a sweet relief to stave off the nagging wife for an extra couple of hours! He added "I've always liked that old bird, the Queen, is it? she brings lots of extra tax money to the UK people without which she wouldn't be able to afford the crowns and gowns that keep the yanks spending money here!" and he was last seen staggering off into the night with a bottle of Buckfast under his arm.


Gammon face also announced a whole bunch of street parties over that weekend too as he was certain the whole nation would want to thank him for his malevolence, benevolence over the past few years and the Queen would indeed be warmed-up and wheeled out of Buck House just for these occasions so that her humble subjects could take selfies with her.

Lots of late opening licenses have been granted in the last few years because the older the Queen gets the more things she has to celebrate, like waking up in the morning. She was heard mumbling something about having to wake up next to Phillip every day as she shuffled away in her nightie and slippers for an 11am nap.

Ham-face also added that The Scottish and Northern Irish didn't get licensing extensions because they're all bingeing pikeys anyway and what was the point in making their drinking habits legal for just two nights of the year.

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