Monday, 28 March 2016

Utter-Bastard Charged With 5bn of Suspected Fraud.

Evil brewery owning drug overlord Julio Utter-Bastard, has finally been caught by super hero, Taxman and charge with a suspected £5bn worth of fraud, The Evening Standard reports.
As a result, his brewery, Poppy Fields has been put up for sale in a desperate bid to save the jobs of the poor bastards that work for him.

Mr Utter-Bastard would only make the following statement "Deep down i always knew that my nemesis, Taxman, would get me in the end but i just couldn't help myself, i'm just rotten to the core".
When he was in primary school, Mr Utter-Bastard once attended 'dress as your hero day' as Darth Vader because the plastic mask was on discount at the party store and it was more interesting than going dressed as Charles Manson. Also Mr Utter-Bastard wasn't old enough to grow facial hair at the time.

Manson was quoted as saying "knowing that Mr Utter-Bastard is doing such a great job gives me hope for the future, i'm super-proud!"
Proud role model. Charles Manson.

Estate Agent, David Lying Cougher's advert states the following...

Poppy Fields brewery is a developing business with a strong turnover and 'unique' business model in the craft beer industry. No other brewery is daring enough to include class-a drugs in their recipes which keep the hipsters hooked on this shit. 
There is a professional management team in place and the business is ideally placed in Hackney to cater to all those gullible hipster saps who still think it's cool to call beer 'crafty'.

Poppy Fields Brewery is a member of the London Brewers Dalliance(LBD), who would make no comment on one of their own being charged with fraud and went back to planning their next big event in twenty years time. Mr Utter-Bastard famously fucked up the yearly LBD event a few years back and the pubs in the local Hackney area made a killing as a result.

The poisoned chalice remains up for sale and the case continues...

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