In a bold move designed to make all their money through Guinness in just one day during the year, Diageo have bought St Patricks Day and will force all pub goers to celebrate all things Irish by making them wear stupid hats, pretending their grandparents were Irish and making them speak in ridiculously racist falsetto faux-Irish accents whilst being force-fed Guinness for one day of the year.
St Patricks Day commented "This "partnership" is a wonderful moment for all of us who have worked so hard to get St Patricks Day to where it is today" they continued "Diageo is the perfect fit for us because they believe in getting everyone absolutely shit-faced and making as much money as possible"
A Diageo representative was quoted as saying "We're delighted to welcome St Patricks Day into our growing portfolio and we're looking forward to colouring Guinness green for many years to come"
Some people were less optimistic though "Sooner or later Diageo will realise that Ireland has proper crafty breweries and they'll start buying them, then we'll have to start forking out a mortgage to get shit-faced on Paddy's Day"
One former critic of St Patricks Day has applauded this move whilst wearing his free, ridiculous looking hat; drunken halfwit, Rancidbarfly was heard to say "Honestly, who doesn't like Guinness? It's flavourless, odourless, characterless, inoffensive to everyone and I love the way they make it green on St Patricks day!"
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