Diageo To "Partner" With St Patricks Day

Drinks giant Diageo has struck a deal to partner with St Patricks Day for ever or at least until such

time as crafty beer becomes Irish.

In a bold move designed to make all their money through Guinness in just one day during the year, Diageo have bought St Patricks Day and will force all pub goers to celebrate all things Irish by making them wear stupid hats, pretending their grandparents were Irish and making them speak in ridiculously racist falsetto faux-Irish accents whilst being force-fed Guinness for one day of the year.

St Patricks Day commented "This "partnership" is a wonderful moment for all of us who have worked so hard to get St Patricks Day to where it is today" they continued "Diageo is the perfect fit for us because they believe in getting everyone absolutely shit-faced and making as much money as possible"

A Diageo representative was quoted as saying "We're delighted to welcome St Patricks Day into our growing portfolio and we're looking forward to colouring Guinness green for many years to come"

Some people were less optimistic though "Sooner or later Diageo will realise that Ireland has proper crafty breweries and they'll start buying them, then we'll have to start forking out a mortgage to get shit-faced on Paddy's Day"

One former critic of St Patricks Day has applauded this move whilst wearing his free, ridiculous looking hat; drunken halfwit, Rancidbarfly was heard to say "Honestly, who doesn't like Guinness? It's flavourless, odourless, characterless, inoffensive to everyone and I love the way they make it green on St Patricks day!"

Old Ugly Bastards Just Not Patient Enough Say Hot Young Bar Staff

Middle aged men who are reportedly becoming more and more impatient at the bar according to

"How'd you get served so quick?"
"I told the kid behind the bar i could see a bright white light"

pretty young bar staff who have only been trained to serve them if they absolutely must.

According to strict new rules of serving craft beer, Men over the age of 40 must be served in turn (last) even if they have been (luckily) acknowledged by the pretty young staff behind the bar and they must be patient whilst doing so.

Middle-aged beer blagger, Rancidbarfly was forced to make himself really uncomfortable at this local crafty beer dive, The Snake in the Craft, by holding up a £20 note in order to get served because even though bar staff had told him "With you in a minute, Buddy" 20 minutes ago he had started to get impatient.

"Hey, it's not me who makes the rules" said 21 year old barman, Tree Sap holding up his arms defensively, "these old boys need to learn that getting served in turn is a pretty persons game, nowadays, it's got nothing to do with how long you've been stood there!" he continued incredulously.

"I used to think of myself as mildly good looking in my youth" said a disgruntled Rancid "I must have been literally fooling myself into thinking i was worthy of service somewhere like this" Rancid sobbed before blowing his nose into his as yet, unused £20 note. "I'd better just leave and stop making the place look untidy"
"It's alright mate, i'll get to you eventually, we just need to make you super grateful to be drinking amongst the super hot, i've got a couple of convo's on the go and a few dozen snapchats to send but i'll get to you eventually" Tree Sap said without any hint of remorse. "Now who's next?" he shouted at an empty bar.

Outrage As Child Labour Soars At Irish Brewery

The craft beer world once again was forced to express it's outrage yesterday. This time at nano Irish brewery, Hopfully Brewing apparently employing a bunch of children to market their beers.

Hopfully Brewing's Lovemaker Pale Ale was the source of the outrage as apparently children are being taught incorrectly about the birds and the bees in Ireland; in this case a mouse in a t-shirt stuck between what we've been informed is a pair of breasts but we're really not sure because we've never seen breasts shaped like that before.

There were so many outraged questions towards the brewery on hate-fuelled social media platform, Twitter yesterday, which were roundly ignored by the brewery.

One tweeter asked most of the questions we wanted to ask "Why do her boobs go like that? Why's he still wearing his shirt? Why are there mice? Why are they employing children to draw their artwork?"
Well, in light of the brewery not responding to these questions we've responded for them; it is of course due to a lack of sex education and a soaring number of unemployed children needing to find jobs as quickly as possible because, well, Brexit.

As a general boycott of this brewery will likely happen on the UK mainland where this brewery's beer isn't widely available another tweeter said "I like knowing that breweries don't want to take our money. It's an interesting business model for sure" We agree, it gives us the warm and fuzzies knowing they're trying to save us money by making sure we'll never buy the beer and at the same time employing needy children.

We can't wait to see twitter's face when it figures out it's a bit fucking derogatory too.

Bar Staff At Your Local Actually Not Your Mate After All

Bar staff at your local crafty beer emporium who have been talking to you as if you were their best
mate all afternoon whilst you drink inappropriately priced crafty brews aren't really your mate at all and are actually found to slag off customers an ex-staff in earshot of paying customers!

Sitting in his local divey craft beer hole, wayward beer blagger Rancidbarfly was found to be having a beer and actually listening to the bar staff who were loudly slagging off ex-colleagues and paying members of the public to their mates behind the bar.

Rather than waste their quiet afternoon behind the bar with menial tasks like cleaning and making it look like a place that mortals want to drink in, the staff of the Snake in the Craft were far more productive and instead spent their afternoon mouthing off about old colleagues and customers.
"That dude Theobold who used to work here, you remember him?" Max asked
"How could i forget, he had a real personal space issue" replied Poppy
"Yeah i think he was on the spectrum" Max replied
"He was on something!" August shouted, cue laughter from all.
"Shit, what about that dude who used to drink in here, what was his name? Big guy used get pissed and buy us all drinks when he was in...?" Poppy snarked with a side-eye to Max
"I just called him the halfwit; to his face though, it was all just jokes" Max responded loudly
"I haven't seen him in ages" Poppy said not noticing the young couple who'd been listening leave.

We asked our beer sodden hero, Rancidbarfly why he drank in here since the staff were such blatant assholes "Why wouldn't I? the beer's nicely overpriced, the staff are totally apathetic about service standards & the toilets are a total shit show, perfect place to drink and look cool at the same time!" We went in search of our own shitty crafty beer dive bar!

Bring Your Brat To Work Day Ends In Glitter Beer

A brewer that thought bringing your kid to work on "snow days" was a great idea to save money on childcare has ended up making a beer with glitter in by accident.

Glitter Beer : Careful of those beards, chaps!

The brewer, Gary had to bring his kid to work last week because snowy weather across the UK closed hundreds of schools, took his eyes off the little darling for couple of minutes thinking that it would be safe to finish cleaning a bit of equipment whilst 6 year old Zanus did a bit of arts and crafts for a school project.

"I was just cleaning some tri-clamps and I took my eyes off of Zanus for a couple of minutes, I mean how much damage can a 6 year old boy do in that time, right?" he asked bewildered.
"I finished cleaning my tri-clamps and was just dry-hopping a beer with 50kg of Fuggles when I noticed that the hops looked less twiggy and more sparkly than normal, my assistant brewer and I didn't have a clue what had gone on until Zanus and I had gotten home and he wanted me to look at the homework he had been doing in the brew house, apparently the cheeky little scamp had dumped a load of glitter into a couple of the open bags of fuggles"
We asked Gary what sort of beer had the glitter in and he replied "It's like an imperial version of Stella with sparkles, we're going to call it IBS"
After this seemingly happy accident we asked Gary if he had plans for any more quirky beers "Most of my beers are quirky to be honest, he said, one beer we make is a brown colour and we only put it into cask! That's cutting-edge-as-fuck nowadays, man!"

GLITTER FROM YOUR SHITTER?

When asked about the potential for customers to start passing glitter in their bowel movements Gary assured us that the glitter would break down in the body and would therefore have little impact on the environment or the nature of the bowel movements.
"You might get the odd sparkly plop here and there but it won't be anything to worry about, if anything those crafty beer numpties will have to worry more about getting the glitter stuck in their beards!"
Finally we asked Gary if he would market this beer specifically to ladies and gays, he looked shocked as he replied "Dude, that's sexist and isn't a sustainable business model, our beer is solely aimed at those craft wanker millennials who are allergic to and get offended by everything".

Giving The Gift Of Beer Actually A Bit Wank This Valentines

Thousands of clueless bastards across the UK will today do a last minute dive into their local craft beer emporiums on their way home in the desperate attempt to find a Valentines Day gift for their loved ones.

But giving the gift of beer is just a bit wank, claimed loved ones everywhere, who still hadn't even bothered to open their bottles of Christmas beer, brought at the last minute instead of something good.

Having not managed to find anything good these clueless fuckwits are gratefully swallowing the bullshit line that the gift of craft beer is better than nothing this Hallmark Day.

Even knowing the look of disappointment on his partner's face, overweight, idiot beer blagger, Rancidbarfly was seen sneaking into his local bottle shop and asking if they had any cans of Carlsberg Special Brew on offer this year but after getting a pitiful look from behind the counter he eventually settled for their recommendation of a homebrew kit.

Good People Who Drink Good Beer Not Really That Good After All

The thousands of craft beer drinkers across the UK who clap each other on the back for being good

people who drink good beer are being found out as really not that good after all.

In these social media savvy days the general public are finding that these good people who drink better beer than they do aren't really that nice after all.

Picture credit : @beerdoodles / @twattybeer

The Good People Who Drink Good Beer Forum on Facebook is constantly turning down people who don't know a beer from AB InBev from a craft beer made from London Fields or Lagunitas, after all it's 2018 why don't the the general public know what craft beer is yet!!

These craft beer nerds constantly call each other good people that drink good beer and are often seen congregating at their local craft beer emporiums for a chance to have a self congratulatory wank over a can of murky hop-trub made by a man with a beard who just cashed out of his hedge-fund job.

Once these good people have sipped the beer it's imperative that they then go on to rate it out of 5 stars because let's face it, only good people know exactly what constitutes a good beer.

You too can know what truly good beer is by following this handy guide to rating a beer.

*  Made by Greene King, ABV InBev, or Brewdog.
**  Cask beer made by a local brewery and not kept very well by their local pub, The Flame Under a Spoon.
***  Made by local brewery and is actually a good beer but it's just not cool enough to score 5 stars.
****  Made by a craft brewery who have been around for more than 5 years and used to be the cool kids.
*****  Made by a brewery who claim to be so small they're limited to making 8 cans of beer per batch and charging the fucking earth for it, or Brewdog.

So if you consider yourself to be a "good person" who drinks "good beer" please remember to join a forum where you can slag people off for having tastebuds and opinions and rate the beers by following my handy rating guide above. You might also want to join other US based websites where you can show yourself to be an international "good person" for everyone to see.